Info

The SelfWork Podcast

I'm Dr. Margaret, a psychologist for over 25 years and the author of Perfectly Hidden Depression. I created The SelfWork Podcast in 2016 to explain mental health treatment, and to give you the chance to consider therapy without thinking it's weird or somehow suggests you can't "fix" your own problems. My team is so honored that five years later, SelfWork has earned nearly 3.5 million downloads! Each episode features the popular listener question. And, once a month, you’ll hear a “You Get the Gist” segment - a five minute run-down of a current topic - as well as an interview with an outstanding guest author or expert, adding to the wide diversity of topics listeners so appreciate. Regularly rated as one of the top mental health/depression podcasts out there, I keep it short and casual - and I'd love to hear from you. Please join me.
RSS Feed
The SelfWork Podcast
2022
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January


2021
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January


2020
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January


2019
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January


2018
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January


2017
December
November
October
September
August
July
June
May
April
March
February
January


2016
December
November
October


Categories

All Episodes
Archives
Categories
Now displaying: Category: Podcast
Mar 28, 2021

Welcome to SelfWork's You Get the Gist, five minutes of some ideas you can ponder for the rest of the day. Today YGTG is about saying goodbye.

When I knew back in 1992 that my husband and I were going to leave Dallas and move to Arkansas, I distinctly remember a conversation I had with my therapist. I was wondering how I would say goodbye to all these friends and family that were so important to me. It seemed overwhelming. He gave me such an important way of understanding something about goodbyes that's I'd never considered - that many of us don't handle endings very well. We don't know how to grieve.

It helped me not personalize what happened next. We'll talk about all kinds of grief - and what you can learn about how you say... goodbye.

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions, long hidden away, that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Mar 26, 2021

In today's episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, we’'ll be talking about enmeshment. It sometimes can be confused with codependency, terms which some use interchangeably. We'll focus on not only enmeshed families or couples, but also parent/child enmeshment. And I'll offer seven steps to slowly and carefully begin to gain more of your independence and sense of self. Families are extremely different in how well they build safety, love and caring within the family, while also supporting each member through their own development of  unique beliefs and skills.

What are these seven steps? First you have to realize that rarely will you get permission to gain some distance. And you also have to recognize that enmeshment created within an abusive relationship has to be handled extremely - as even setting appropriate boundaries can be punished with violence.

The seven steps are:

  • Realize the overt and covert rules that you are following. Write them down. .
  • Realize the beliefs associated with those rules. Again, write them down.
  • Acknowledge what you fear will be others' reactions.
  • Understand and face your own fears of independence or self-doubt.
  • Start small. Start creating those boundaries. Ask yourself, "What do I believe I'm getting by reaching out that I can't give myself?
  • Then figure out a way to provide or discover those for yourself in the world apart from the enmeshed relationship.

Our listener email is from someone who was struck by one of the assignments or the what to do about it in a past episode.. she’d tried it and it had worked! I"m always delighted to hear that…

Important Links:

Article by Sharon Martin in Psych Central on codependency and enmeshment

Psychology Today article.. describing the five family structure within the Beavers Family Systems Theory

A good article on developing a safety plan before you begin separating from an enmeshed domestic violence relationship.

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions, long hidden away, that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

Mar 21, 2021

Today's YGTG, or "You Get the Gist," deals not with who's right and who's wrong in the ongoing drama between Meghan Markle, Prince Harry and Great Britain's royals. Nor about the very serious allegations of racism. As a psychologist, what I'm concerned about is how this focus on talking about suicidal thinking is affecting those whose loved ones have already died by suicide, and how this could affect the way those words are recognized in the future by anyone who actually hears them. For every suicide “success” as it’s ironically labeled, The American Foundation of Suicide Prevention reports there are 25 attempts.

We'll discuss common but painful reactions from families. And we need to realize that everyone who kills themselves has thought about it before. Maybe even shared their thoughts with someone. It's so important to listen, and try to help.

Important Links:

Seven Women's stories about overcoming suicidal thoughts

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions, long hidden away, that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mar 19, 2021

It's Women's History Month! And I’m excited to announce that SelfWork has a new sponsor -  Premium Jane. You can visit them at premiumjane.com and use coupon code SelfWork to get 20% off your purchase.

Today we’ll talk about women who’ve been important crusaders for mental health awareness, both present-day celebrities and historically important female voices, Their brave words and actions, as well as the research statistics that demonstrate women's social reality, help all of us see just how much women still have to face. We’ll focus on why women seem more vulnerable to certain mental illness and of course, what positive mental and emotional traits do women have that are more unique to them.

The listener email for today is from an early 30’s young woman who feels very enmeshed with her parents, who’ve built a reality for her that the world is a scary place – and haven’t supported her to live independently from them. It's called enmeshment and it's a complex issue, as well as hard to identify and change.

Important Links:

Female celebrities shining the light on their own struggles

Six female mental health heroes in history

Why are there such dramatic gender differences in mental health

Women's job loss in the pandemic far outweighs those of men

Strengths of female entrepreneurs

Study showing men and women share many strengths; Here are four meaningful traits that seem greater for women

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions, long hidden away, that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Mar 12, 2021

 

 

How can you prevent something that may be seemingly inconsequential or something "I should be able to manage" from becoming the straw that breaks the camel's back? Here are seven ways to prevent that from happening. We’re all handling isolation, quarantine, job loss, financial troubles, boredom, loneliness, grief, fear – a new brand of anxiety that’s literally about taking your next breath. So today, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, I'll focus once again on "what you can do about it."

Here are the seven preventative tips:'

  1. Practice self-compassion
  2. Recognize the cumulative impact of stress and ambiguity
  3. Stop comparing yourself to others
  4. Practice mindfulness and awareness of the present moment
  5. Know and honor your triggers
  6. Remain humble rather than prideful
  7. Go for help if you develop clinical depression, flashbacks or severe anxiety

The listener email today is from a woman who listened to the podcast on sibling sexual abuse in early February. I simply wanted to comment further on her response to that post – as I didn’t mention something very important. That’s why I love feedback from all of you. It keeps me on my toes.

Important links:

Flattened By A Tire by Terry Cheney

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions, long hidden away, that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mar 5, 2021

We're killing two birds with one stone on this episode of SelfWork, one again sponsored by BetterHelp. I talk about a recent Ted Radio Hour interview I heard with A.J. Jacobs. He's the author of the recent new book Thanks A Thousand. He did a fascinating and arduous life study of how to make himself happier - and wondered if expressing gratitude would get him there. What did he do? He chased down everyone that even had a minuscule amount of responsibility for providing his morning cup of coffee - and thanked them.

He was using - whether he knew it or not - the "as if" method that can be very effective in therapy to move toward changing your behavior. You basically make choices "as if" you already had the trait you're trying to learn - or try on for size. You act "as if" you believed in yourself. You act "as if" you're relaxed or not anxious. And lo and behold, your actions lead you to feel like you do believe in yourself or you're not so anxious. It's a matter of focus.

The listener email this week is from a woman who states concern over someone whose lost a parent that they were enmeshed with, but have never recognized the enmeshment. And now that parent is gone. How can she help and what can she expect?

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

A.J. Jacobs episode of The Ted Radio Hour

Dr. Margaret's blogpost on enmeshment.

Psych Central Article by Sharon Martin on traits of enmeshment

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

Feb 26, 2021

This is the first in a series here on SelfWork about careers that can kill. Over the next few months, we're going to interview people who are led to careers that hold within them the ever-increasing danger of suicidal ideation or suicide itself. Doctors, police officers, the military. We are losing the people that we, as a culture, expect to do very difficult jobs psychologically. Yet the professions themselves don't encourage mental health treatment, or even disparage those that reveal struggle.

Sometimes you don’t know why, but you’re drawn to someone or to their story. Adam Hill is one of those people for me. Adam presented himself as a thoughtful guy as well as being a doctor who’d trained as a pediatric oncologist at some of the finest schools and research centers the USA has to offer. And then came the fact that he is a recovering alcoholic. He's the author of Long Walk Out of The Woods – which when you read the book, you totally get that he’s not simply talking metaphorically, but quite literally -as he nearly ended his own life in a deep, sheltered place in the woods.

So I wanted to talk to this man who’d risked everything career-wise to reveal his struggle with severe depression and alcoholism –  and become not only a doctor, but now a mental health advocate whose fighting to change how his profession’s licensing boards and entire medical community views seeking help for mental illness or substance abuse.

So I  present to you Dr. Adam Hill. His story is riveting and may carry within it something important for you or your loved one to hear.

Feb 24, 2021

 

Today I’m sharing the work of Stacey Wright, a psychotherapist in Georgia whose work is frequently featured on The Mighty. She specializes in the treatment of highly sensitive people. I thought what she had to say was very clear in her latest article on The Mighty. And she further distinguishes those who are highly sensitive (HSP) people to those she terms true "empaths."

And yet there's debate about the term and even the concept of an "empath" being a noun is disputed as an appropriate label for someone who's simply highly empathetic. We can hear the other side as it's voiced by Rick Cormier, a retired psychotherapist and author of Mixed Nuts, He says the term was lifted from Star Trek, in fact was made up by its creators, and doesn't exist other than in science fiction. It's a hot debate!

Whatever you believe, you can make up your own mind – But I hope you get the gist.

Important Links:

Contact Stacey Wright through her blog!

The Mighty's new podcast! 

Judith Orloff’s newest book on thriving as an empath

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Feb 19, 2021

"I want this over!!"  is being shouted from the rooftops by many after this round of holidays held little release from the sacrifices we are all making. But pandemic fatigue can easily morph into pandemic burnout, meaning that whatever skills you’d been using to dig a little deeper or find some laughter or hope – those skills are maxed out . It's easy to take frustration out on the person who's your pandemic partner. And the three facets of burnout - excessive fatigue, detachment  and cynicism, and a feeling of lack of accomplishment - can too easily be focused on your relationship. So in this episode of SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll also focus on four considerations that might help you realize that the pandemic is dramatizing what are fairly normal facets of long relationships.

What are these four considerations?

  1. Realize the problem could lie with you as you might've become clinically depressed.
  2. Be aware of how others might be negatively impacting how you think about your partner.
  3. Consider which of your disappointments in your partner are tied in with things you love about them. You don't get one without the other.
  4. Recognize that you might not be "in sync" with one another, living almost parallel lives, and try to listen and respond more kindly and lovingly.

The listener email is from a mom who’s confused about her children saying she’s coming across as needy when she feels all she’s doing is letting them all know she’s thinking of them and praying for them. So I’ll answer her as best I can – and you can decide what you think as well!

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

. An article in EveryDay Health talks about pandemic fatigue

Find out how pandemic burnout is defined in this article in New Scientist

Article on Intimate Partner Violence and how the pandemic has affecting hotline use

From Mom to Me Again: Wonderful book on managing empty nest .

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

.

 

 

 

 

Feb 12, 2021

Today in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re talking about hypnosis. Not only will I try to debunk the various myths there are out there about it, but help you understand exactly how it can work. I’ve been hypnotized several times myself and I’ll explain what I experienced.  I’ve also been trained in hypnosis so I can explain what it’s like to actually do hypnosis; what you’re watching for in the client, how you set the process up for the most success. I’ll draw heavily on the work of Michael Yapko, whose trainings I’ve attended and who’s an international expert on hypnosis and its effectiveness with depression. It’s truly a fascinating experience – both to use it in therapy and to participate in it. And I'll include the most dramatic example I've had thus far in my practice of it helping my client tremendously with PTSD.

Our listener email today is from a woman who’s talking about something we touched on in last week’s episode about sexual abuse; that one of the lingering issues can be the strong association of sex with danger or dominance or even pain. Just how do you break that kind of connection so that normal healthy sexual intimacy can be enjoyed?

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Wikipedia description of hypnosis

Dr. Michael Yapko's definition and explanation of hypnosis

Harvard's brain scanning research using the brains of 57 people during guided hypnosis.

Article on the myths of hypnosis

A great article by  psychiatrist Dr. Aaron Kheriaty explaining the mind/body connection in BDSM.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

A wonderful summary of Dr. Van Der Kolk's book

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

Feb 10, 2021

Writing a book is the hardest and most labor-intensive task I've ever accomplished. And sometimes, while I was deep in the throws of its creation, I would wonder why I was doing it, even though I was so passionate about its message. What did I really hope would happen as a result? Well, two things have happened this week that remind me of why the topic of perfectly hidden depression is vital for our mental health culture- and you - to understand. The first was from a conversation I had with psychologist Lindsay Weisner, who was interviewing me and was reading Perfectly Hidden Depression. The second was an email from a middle-aged man who was shocked at his own identification with PHD - and what that realization was leading him to do.

Such an honor.  None of us ever know how others will perceive what we do or what we try to offer, do we?

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Feb 5, 2021

Trigger Warning: If you choose to listen to this episode on sibling sexual abuse, please keep your own self-care in mind. I’ll have international sexual abuse hotline numbers in the show notes: But the US hotline is  1-800-656-4673.

Sibling sexual abuse is a complex and painful subject that's vastly underreported. And it can happen in any home, anywhere. How is it different than normal sexual curiosity between siblings? What sets the environment up for it to occur? Why don't they tell a parent? How does it affect its victims? What if they themselves repeated or even forced sexual activity on others in the family? I'll use a case from my own practice to talk about how and when it can occur - and as always, what a parent or loved one can do about it. What's important to know from the beginning is that sexual abuse isn't only about sex; it's much more about control and grabbing power.

In this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll go over in detail a very moving email I received – and I'll point out the language used by the writer, a victim of sibling abuse. You'll be able to hear for yourself her confusion about blame, responsibility, shame, and fear.

Listener Email: (Bolded sections created by Dr. Rutherford)

What do you do if you're carrying the guilt and shame of being sexually abused as a child, but also the guilt of taking part in the abuse? My abuse started when I was probably 2 years old by my sisters and cousins who were all older than me. Then I was taught to do things as a child and my first and only sexual experiences were us kids doing sexual acts to each other. This went on until I was about 11/12. Family member's were involved and no one talks about it to this day but I suffer mentally with it. I feel like it was my fault, mostly because my sister's (the two who abused me would say this to me, and that I didn't speak up.  And when I was 7 I was raped by a male family friend. I never told. Now as an almost 40yr old woman I still feel ashamed, like someone should have stopped it.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Facts about sibling abuse from a VeryWell Mind

SelfWork episode on the Karpman Triangle 

Article on the cycle of sexual abuse and outcomes for victims; Article in VeryWell Mind

SelfWork episode on the shame associated with sexual arousal during sexual abuse

Facts about sexual offenders

Sexual anorexia: What is it?

Healing the Shame That Binds You

Sexual Abuse Hotlines

https://www.childhelplineinternational.org/child-helplines/child-helpline-network/

https://www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html

https://www.rainn.org/

https://victimconnect.org/resources/national-hotlines/

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

Jan 29, 2021

How much do you count on people "liking" or "following" you or the videos you put on Instagram, FB or TikTok?  And are you really happy or does your life appear to others as happy? Is your self-esteem found in the present or does it lie in the amount of positive attention something gets on social media? This of course is part of creating the persona of perfectionism that I stress in my work on perfectly hidden depression. But today, we focus on the three components of true happiness and how to add happiness to almost any experience you have: Positive psychologists say that all you have to do is add pleasure, challenge or meaning - and happiness will arrive.

The listener email today is from someone who suffered childhood neglect and knows it’s affecting her relationships in her adult life. I’ll hope to help out where I can.

Hope you enjoy this episode on true happiness - sponsored by BetterHelp.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Victoria Garrick's  TedX Talk “The Hidden Opponent”

Anuschka Rees' Article on three components of true happiness

Episode 124 of SelfWork: Learning From The Voices of Childhood Neglect

Psychology Today article by Dr. Grant Brenner:

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jan 22, 2021

Today’s podcast is one that, if you’ve been listening to SelfWork for a while, you know that this topic has been my own personal passion – as it’s closely aligned with my work on perfectly hidden depression. We’ll talk about ten fears you face when you choose to give up or ease out of being or looking as if you're in total control.

Those ten fears are:

  • The fear of vulnerabilty
  • The fear of uncertainty or unpredictability
  • The fear of facing the past
  • The fear of your anger exploding as it's been long suppressed
  • The fear of not being able to forgive yourself/your imperfections
  • The fear of there being no other way to succeed
  • The fear of rejection
  • The fear of not being needed
  • The fear of being wrong
  • The fear of intimacy

The listener email comes from a graduate psychology student whose experiencing greater and greater insecurity as the end of her training approaches. She wants to know if I felt the same way and what recommendations I could make. How do you bolster your self-confidence when you can’t measure the success of your efforts?

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Episode 214 with  Lewis Howes

Elliot Cohen Psychology Today article

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Jan 15, 2021

If there’s ever been a time when we need to manage our emotions, it’s now. None of us are sure what these next few months will bring – or even 2021 – and that’s true on many fronts. So this week’s podcast is on managing your feelings. The term for doing this in psychology is emotional intelligence, aka EQ. Here's the definition: the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.

Here are the three questions you'll find the answer to today!

1) Does one emotion govern you more than others? And if so, how that might be leading away from actual regulation and more toward instability?.

2) What are some actual things you can do to self-soothe or to learn how to not to react to your emotions, but to respond to them?

3) What to do if you don’t like the way you feel and want to change it.

The listener email today is from someone who strongly related to the fairly recent podcast on trauma bonding. She wanted to know a little more about it – and so I’m answering her question and telling about what I’ve learned both personally and professionally.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Article on leadership and emotional intelligence

SelfWork podcast on understanding and recognizing triggers

SelfWork podcast on becoming an emotional grownup

Dr. Michael Yapko's book Hand Me Down Blues

Daphne Kingma's book Coming Apart

An article in Well And Good about signs that a trauma bond is forming

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Jan 12, 2021

There’s an  exciting new product on the market – especially for anyone who has suffered with horrible PTSD-based nightmares. I should first tell you I have no relationship with the makers of this product. But since I've treated many patients with both PTSD and CPTSD, I know how exhausting and frightening these nightmares are. It’s a newly approved product by the FDA for just this use; however, it requires an Apple Watch. I’ve used hypnosis fairly effectively in the past for these kinds of traumatic nightmares – but there are many who don’t understand hypnosis and/or it doesn’t work completely or for a long enough period of time. The testimonials are meaningful, as the research was done with veterans of war and this is the first relief many of them have had from these intrusive and almost constant events.

Important Liinks:

Episode 206 What Dreams Are Made Of

Article announcing Nightware's FDA approval

Nightware's website

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jan 8, 2021

Thank you to all of you who contacted me these past two or three weeks! This week’s episode is a conversation – not literally  - but I’ve heard from so many of you about the last couple of SelfWork podcasts, I wanted to respond. You sent me your stories of your own struggles with a therapist, especially about termination and boundaries; I was very moved to address the core issues of what went wrong and discuss them in more detail.

The listener email is actually two other responses I received about people pleasing - and how that trait had affected therapy. I was reminded that there was even more to it than Episode 212 had covered!

Important Links:

SelfWork Episode 210 on Leaving or Staying In Therapy

SelfWork Episode 212 on People Pleasing

Article by Dr. Clifford Lazarus in Psychology Today on common mistakes

WebMD Link to serotonin syndrome

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Jan 1, 2021

Wow. Sometimes when I pick a subject for SelfWork, I have to dig deep to find research that I can bring that will add clarity or give you what’s new out there on the subject. People pleasing?  There are YouTube videos galore and all kinds of other resources. Most everyone agreed on how it starts - with an anxious/insecure attachment to a parent. We'll define what exactly a people pleaser is, and focus on some issues in therapy that are very specific to those who struggle with being uncomfortable not being the "giver" in the relationship.

The listener email today is fascinating. It's about growing up in a narcissistic family and being handed a role to play - the golden child, the scapegoat and the invisible child being the most common. Her healing began when she began to let go of that old dynamic – and she asks if growing up in a narcissist family might be correlated with perfectly hidden depression.

Important links:

SelfWork episode 062 on Enmeshment

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Amy Morin's Psychology Today article on signs you're a people pleaser

Amy Stoneson's article on her own blog on what makes a people pleaser

Healthline article on attachment style

How to stop being a people pleaser on Medium

Randi Fine's excellent article on roles of children in narcissistic families

Randi's wonderful podcast on anxiety! A Fine Time for Healing

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dec 28, 2020

Here's a bonus episode for you during the holidays!  I couldn’t think of a better guest than Shann Vander Leek. She’s the cohost of the extremely popular podcast AnxietySlayer and the website AnxietySlayer.com. Her gentleness and broad knowledge of all things calming is incredible. She and her partner Ananga have created a complete experience of teaching you the how-to of what you can do right now about your anxiety, through words and music, meditation and calming practices. What I especially love about this episode is that Shann demonstrates some actual techniques you can try while you’re listening as she and I - and now you - do them together.

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Dec 25, 2020

Today's SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, focuses on why, how and why you might choose to end therapy, or more concisely, to leave a particular therapist. We'll cover some "good" reasons to leave, reasons that either have to do with the success you've experienced or reaching your goals, as well as the ones that have to do with disappointment with or even misbehavior or unethical behavior by the therapist themselves.  But we'll also focus on the reasons why you might justify leaving, when in actuality, it may not be in your best interest to do so. I’m a huge believer in the power of good therapy. But it’s not always good. And we need to address how you know when it’s time to leave – or not.

The listener email is once again quite different. I’ll read from a letter I received from a man who’s serving time in prison, He reached out in a very special way – and I thought you’d like to hear.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Good article in Psych Central about reason to leave or not leave therapy

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Dec 18, 2020

I'd planned to do this episode of SelfWork on developing trust in others. But as I researched the question, I realized that first, you have to make sure you can trust your own decision-making. And your gut. I found the work of Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman (who made the most sense to me) on how you can determine if you can trust your gut or not.  There are three questions that need a "yes" answer before you can jump into believing that intuition of yours - and today, on this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll find out what those three questions are. And I offer a five-step process to work your way through those three questions, as well as adding a few ideas of my own.

The listener wrote in for this week described a very painful relationship with his therapist, that had led him to feel even more shame for a porn addiction. Luckily, he was able to recognize what was going on and he left that therapist. I decided I couldn't address such a huge topic - how to handle conflict or disappointment with a therapist - with only an email answer. So I'm going to address this very important issue in Episode 210 of SelfWork.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Psych Today article by Andrea Bonoir,

Blink by Malcolm Gladwell

A short summary of Blink.

Daniel Kahneman's book on Audible Thinking Fast and Slow

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Dec 11, 2020

Sometimes my own life offers a topic to me; I was definitely struggling to not be dragged down by my own rumination this past weekend. So many of us are spending hours worrying about Covid, politics, the future, finances, about jobs. The list is endless. So today, in this episode, sponsored once again by BetterHelp, we’re going to talk about rumination. Is it ever helpful? Or is it something that’s dragging you down a rabbit hole of negativity?

The listener email is different this week in format. I was very touched by Kat Cardy, an artist in the UK, who sent me a poem she’d written based on her identification with perfectly hidden depression. I asked her permission to use it and she said yes! It’s lovely… and my heart was very full when she sent it.

I was interviewed on a podcast called Seize the Moment by two New Yorkers,, Alen Ulmann and Leon Garber.  What I didn’t know was that they’d both not only read the book, but identified themselves on the spectrum of PHD; in fact, Leon revealed that he himself had at one time been suicidal, and had told a psychiatrist there was something wrong. The doctor looked at him (he’s a very verbal, friendly guy) and said, “What? No way… you’re not depressed.” We’ve got to stop this from happening..  So they brought their own experience with it to the interview and I learned so much from them. You will see the link to the YouTube interview in the show notes.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Quotes from Dr. Michael Greenberg, a psychologist who specializes in OCD

An article by Medical News Today, listing potential triggers for rumination

Dr. Guy Winch talks about ruminating in this PsychToday article:

Psych Today article by Kathryn Gordon listing eight ways to eliminate negative painful rumination.

Kat Cardy's poem:

Unlocking. Unlocking doesn’t happen all at once. First there’s just emptiness. A lack. A missing. A guarding. A hardening. The reason unknown, but it’s presence noted; Pain caused, joy blocked, love evaded, disconnect... Hurt encapsulated in silt till a heavy rock replaces the alive and vibrant. Continuing unexamined, or else denied outright, And The Lock, Stays. Shut. But should attention settle here, intention stop to lend some care, Either lock, or key, or both is found, A mystery perhaps, but with meaning profound. Then one day it clicks... you may not even realise it, But inch by inch that great key turns, That, frozen for years, begins to stir. A fraction here; I see you, dear. A sliver there; I know you’re near. That solid rock which spirit hid, Oh so slowly turns clear instead. Inching forth, I feel your hurt. And turning more, I know your worth. Glowing embers re-kindle again, The breath of attention nursing flame Til one day, The lock falls away. That light of a soul kept hidden so long Shines forth like a beacon; I’m here, I belong That great treasure guarded all these years, Finally displayed for all to see, A fragile thing, alive and singing, a bird, uncaged, released and free. Unlocking doesn’t happen all at once. But it can happen, if you are patient, kind, and strong.

The Seize The Moment podcast interview

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Dec 9, 2020

YGTG is five minutes of jam-packed info about one concept or idea or behavior - and today it's about emotional bandwidth. People are using the term emotional bandwidth to reveal that they can't tolerate certain emotions or discussions. It's a short cut way of saying, "I can't be there for you right now." But when does it become an almost too impersonal or detached way of absolving yourself from a commitment? It may make something seem almost like a technical glitch rather than a personal choice to withdraw from a commitment that would take emotional maturity and growth. Or rather than the more vulnerable, “I don’t think I can learn how to be the person I thought I could be.”

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Dec 4, 2020

Challenging your assumptions can lead to remarkable change – and can break emotional paralysis. On SelfWork today, sponsored by BetterHelp, we're going to talk about doing the dishes. Yes you heard me – dishes. One of my FB closed group members very aptly posted the story you're about to hear as a way of coping with the stress of the pandemic – to look at your own life through a different lens and see how you could manage your struggles differently – by challenging your own rules/assumptions. When you do, it can bring huge relief, and a tremendous jumpstart to your hope for change – and change that lasts. It's called "second-order change" in psychology and it can be very powerful. 

Our listener email today is from a woman who’s writing about being dominated both at home and at work – I’ll let you listen to her email and see what you think. I was struck by a couple of things – and hope to offer ideas that will be helpful.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Episode 191: Stinkin Thinkin

Second order change Quote and Explanation

Original link to Kate Scott’s piece on Quora

Book entitled Boundaries

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism or need for control which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

Nov 27, 2020

Whether or not you believe that dreams have meaning (and almost half of Americans think that’s true…), you probably have had many types of dreams. Today, in another episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we're going to talk about the diverse categories of dreams  – and then the proposed “meaning” of those very dreams. We'll look into what can bring nightmares on as well as the most recent research on what's termed "lucid dreaming." Early psychiatrists certainly believed and espoused that dreams had unconscious meanings – that they are created by the part of our mind that lives in the background of our consciousness but influences and guides us. So today we’ll talk about nine categories of dreams and then travel into the land of what dreams may mean.. maybe for fun or maybe, for those of you who have a strong relationship with your dreams, to employ them for healing.

Our listener email today is from a young woman who’s suffered multiple traumas in her life… sexual abuse and her mother’s dying right in front of her.. Terrible things. And she wonders how to heal.. and if she can have hope..

Importants Links: We have a lot of them today!

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

A Psychology Today article on dreaming

Book by Preston Ni.. and referenced article 

Quote from Dr. Kelly Bulkeley

Information about the cause of nightmares on WebMD

YouTube video on dreaming

What dreams may mean  article in VeryWell Mind

Very recent research at MIT on lucid dreaming

C-PTSD information on VeryWell Mind

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

1 « Previous 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Next » 13