Today is an episode filled with your questions and my answers – one of my favorite things to do here on SelfWork! So today the topics are enmeshment, the difference between playing a role in someone’s life and having a relationship, and five ways to deal with defensiveness when you’re trying to have a conversation with a parent about the past. Great topics and questions! And I’m sure many of you can more than relate!

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

SelfWork podcast on seven ways to move out of enmeshment

Post on seven ways out of enmeshment

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

We’re going to be talking about the last two major mental mistakes or bad habits that can either lead you into depression or be a factor in your depression worsening or sticking around. And those two are over-generalizing – meaning taking one experience or one piece of knowledge and applying it to everything - or what can be aptly described as "not seeing the trees for the forest." And the last is having unrealistic expectations – not seeing or believing what's accurate at that moment, but instead holding onto a belief or expectation of what you want or what you believe SHOULD happen instead of what's actually happening.

I’m working from Dr. Michael Yapko’s brilliant work on how not being able to make effective discriminations in your thinking can cause bad decisions to be made – decisions that keep you believing in something that is only going to lead to more pain. Click this link to see his handouts for the conference I listened to for this episode!

We welcome back BiOptimzers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code "selfwork10" to check out free product!

Have you been putting off getting help in 2023? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

The excitement of shedding pounds. The disappointment of gaining them back. Deprivation as a way of life. Dieting is a merry-go-round…minus the fun.

Whether this describes you or someone you care for (friend, family member, child, patient, client), it’s a real issue for too many of us today. Yo-yo dieting reveals a terrible reality: most Americans are alarmingly misinformed about what to eat, when to eat, and how to get healthy.

Jenn Trepeck is my guest today on SelfWork. I listened to her podcast Salad with a Side Of Fries and was excited about her attitude, her experience, her laughter, and her incredible knowledge about food. She's described as a “force of nature” in the wellness space and is an Optimal Health Coach, podcaster and business consultant. After graduating from the University of Michigan Ross School of Business, Jenn founded Better Life Now LLC while working full time in hedge funds. After over a decade of coaching clients, Jenn started Salad with a Side of Fries Podcast to help pay it forward and reach a larger audience to teach the nutrition education we are all supposed to know but no one ever taught us.

We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code "selfwork10" to check out free product!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

This month is Mental Health Awareness Month, and as SelfWork has been named one of the ten top podcasts for depression by VeryWellMind for 2023 – I wanted to focus on just that. Depression. I’m pulling from a talk by Dr. Michael Yapko, an expert on depression, as he lists the five most common mental mistakes that people struggling with depression tend to make – those mistakes can cause depression to be increased, and can start a negative spiral that, given the right circumstances, could lead to depression or worsen it. But, as I heard Michele Obama say to a group of young women the other day, “You become what you practice being.” I couldn’t agree more.

So today we’ll talk about the habit of rumination. What’s that? It’s when you have one thought – a negative thought or a string of thoughts – that repeat themselves over and over again. I’ve heard it called a negative spiral or “letting myself drown in the past.” We'll compare it to the much healthier habit of self-reflection which isn't solely a "mental" practice, but also one that can blend in emotional feelings and dynamics. Maybe you do have feelings that still need to be worked through; rumination will probably not lead you there, whereas self-reflection just might. And I'll offer four things you can do to stop ruminating and make a healthier choice! 

Our voicemail for today needs a trigger warning as it was left by someone who states that she's attempted suicide multiple times. A therapist has told her family that she’s only trying to get attention, and to ignore her. She’s asking me what my advice to her family might be… This is a complex subject, so I’ll answer it as simply as I can – and that may not do justice to her question.

Vital Links:

Have you been putting off getting help in 2023? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Article on rumination in OCD by Kimberley Quinlan

Rumination as part of grief

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

BetterHelp.

In the month of May, which is Mental Health Awareness Month, we’re focusing on five different mental habits that you can have or adopt that either worsen depression, create depression, or are part of a relapse occurring. Last week, we focused on what is termed “internal orientation” – meaning that you fall into the habit of believing what your depression is telling you, either through your thoughts or your emotions. And depression often lies to you frankly.

Today we’re focusing on what's termed “stress generation.” What is that? When you’re actually making choices and decisions that cause more stress for you. We’ll talk more about it! It’s when the “don’t care” or “don’t know” of depression leads to even more stress which then leads to more depression. And it’s a bad habit.

The SpeakPipe voicemail today is from an older woman who says that her grown adult children don’t see her as a “person.” She doesn’t feel included in their lives as important or viable. I hear this from all ages so it could be ageism… but we’ll see if we can widen our lens a bit to discuss.

Vital Links: 

Link to Bandura's research on self-efficacy

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

We welcome back BiOptimzers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code "selfwork10" to check out free product!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Sometimes the very decision on what to talk about here at SelfWork seems difficult, as the possibilities are endless really. And since May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I wanted to do something special – although any month is mental health awareness month for me! To help get me organized, I turned to an old teacher of mine who’s an internationally known expert on depression - Dr. Michael Yapko. I listened into one of his YouTube presentations on the current research in depression and what the best thinking is about its causes and its treatment. He mentions the five most common mental mistakes that can lead to depression or to a relapse.

So, this month in May, I’m going to present those to you;  I’ll add in some of my own experiences and stories so that hopefully you can try and see if you’re making any of those mistakes – whether or not you consider yourself “depressed” or not.

For the listener email  “response” this week, I’m going to comment on a review for SelfWork that was left on Apple – a kind of, “I was really looking forward to listening but got disappointed,” kind of review. I’m hoping to address what I thought were the listener’s comments – as I could very well see what had disappointed them. So, I dug a little deeper and will let you know what I found.

Nick Wignall's Medium post on resilience

Several links to research articles having to do with minority happiness factors:

Article on black white differences and happiness 

Article on role of discrimination and ethnic identification

Article on racial identity and happiness

Quick Links!

Have you been putting off getting help in 2023? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

And here's an offer from BiOptimzers and Magnesium Breakthrough for SelfWork listeners! Every month they have a new "giveaway' product! Just click here! Make sure you use the code "selfwork10" to check out free product!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I love answering your questions and hearing your comments! In fact, it's one of the most favorite things I do here on SelfWork! Sharing perspectives is more than welcome. 

Today I'm answering two listener voicemails: One is on the topic of what exactly IS vulnerability... is it a choice you make - to be vulnerable? Or is it a state of being,  where your vulnerability is something that needs to be protected? And why is that even important? 

Because how you answer that question reflects your perception - and whether you'd want to learn to be vulnerable or it's the last thing that would every occur to you. 

Enmeshment isn't well-understood by many. It looks like closeness in a family or relationship. Loyalty. But... there can also be an rigid expectation of what kind of identity outside of the family you're allowed. A listener from Jordan calls in to talk about his anger and frustration with this - but also his fear of losing his family. 

Thank you as always for being here! And thanks to our sponsors - Athletic Greens and Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Today on SelfWork we’re going to focus on self-sabotage – when you are doing things or not doing things that seem to get in the way of achieving something or creating the life you say you want.

I want to talk more about the fear that’s underneath self-sabotage. Because one way of looking at sabotage is that it’s not sabotage at all. It’s really one part of you – the part that’s afraid – protecting that fear or avoiding it. So, what can seem as if you’re “getting in your own way” can actually be your mind working to keep you safe from a fear that you may be conscious of, or not conscious of at all.

Let's focus on a quartet of players in the self-sabotage realm: procrastination, perfectionism, a negative self-fulfilling prophecy, and of course, imposter syndrome. And as always, we'll talk about... what you can do about it.

The Speakpipe voicemail for today is from a woman who’s realized that, in order to have a sense of control, that she not only lives out her plans for today, but tries to complete things early – things she might have a plan to do tomorrow – she does today. And yet as she says, “That’s not how time works." Loved her comment and wanted to share.

Vital Links: 

Have you been putting off getting help in 2023? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

We welcome back BiOptimzers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code "selfwork10" to check out free product!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I'm very excited to introduce SelfWork listeners to Ananta.  I get a lot of requests from people who want to present to my SelfWork listeners,  and they introduce themselves as experts in what they term transformation. Now, it's a good word, mind you, transformation, but so much of the work isn't backed up well with exercises or there's a lot of expense.

Ananta Ripa Ajmera is an author and spiritual teacher of Ayurveda, Yoga, and Vedanta, and her new book takes you every step of the way to begin to wonder and access and absorb what might be really helpful for you using those three practices in your own life.  So we're going on a different kind of journey today. Let's hear from a NTA in her own words, and I quote her, 'I'm inviting you on an enchanted journey from embattled darkness to hope'. My new book, The Way of the Goddess: Daily Rituals to Awaken Your Inner Warrior and Discover Your True Self is written as a hero's journey from a profound feminine perspective. In it, I share my story of how I overcame trauma in all forms of abuse with a spiritual power of love." The Way of the Goddess also contains simple everyday rituals ranging from chakra balancing and spiritual reflection to journal prompts, creativity challenges and more.

If you've wanted to get into yoga, if you've wanted to learn more about chakras, the different energy feels in your body, this is a wonderful beginning step. Hope you'll give this episode a listen and discover the inner goddess in you!

Vital Links! 

We welcome back BiOptimzers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the code "selfwork10" to check out free product!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I love when an author reaches out to me personally – and that’s what Brooke Siem did. I didn’t have to talk with a bunch of publicity or marketing people. She knows exactly what her message is – and who needs to hear it. I was mesmerized by her evocativeness of her writing  her book, May Cause Side Effects,  is worth the read for that fact alone.

This is the first memoir on antidepressant withdrawal to hit the mass-market, a notable milestone in the journey to bring global awareness to antidepressant withdrawal.

As you know, not everyone on antidepressants wants to stay on them forever, and it's imperative that both patients and doctors recognize antidepressant withdrawal and practice safe deprescribing. Brooke’s mission is to shift the narrative of depression as a chronic ailment to one that frames depression as a temporary human experience.

Let’s make sure no one is hearing “You shouldn’t be on anti-depressants.” That’s not the case. They can be very helpful. And it’s hard to tell in Brooke’s memoir how much her own chaotic upbringing led to many of her ver difficult, almost psychotic experiences,  and how much was attributable to physical and emotional withdrawal.

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

If this post triggers you in any way, here are the International Suicide Prevention Hot Lines.

Sometimes meeting someone is meant to be. I felt that way about my best friend. I felt that way about my husband. And I felt that way when I first exchanged emails with Dr. John Sommers-Flannagan.

He’s the real thing. A great guy. Easy-going. Smart. Supportive. Humble. And his book, Suicide Assessment and Treatment Planning: A Strength-Based Approach is a must read for mental health clinicians. He's a professor of psychology at the University of Montana and the author of many other books. I don’t say "must read" that often. Even rarely. But it’s a must read. And not just for clinicians. It could be meaningful for anyone who has a loved one who struggles with suicidal feelings or thoughts - and how to approach them compassionately. As I said last week, you might be that one person who someone risks talking to.

Last week's episode focused on the necessity and importance and publicly recognizing the fact that many people have suicidal thoughts. Whether they’re diagnosed with a mental illness or not, many people go through times when there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. Or they can’t see one in that moment – or that day – or that week. Those people need connection – they need support – they need acceptance. If they're in true crisis, then stronger measures may be needed - and I'd highly recommend calling in professionals at that point. But too many people don't reveal darker thoughts for fear of "what might happen" - even to mental health clinicians.

So you’re about to hear information that I know you’re going to find inspirational, helpful, educational, and vital.

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

This week's episode of SelfWork focuses on suicide - but not as a pre-determined sign that someone needs hospitalization. That might be true, of course. But many, many people have suicidal thoughts or ideas, even fantasies, of what could happen that would allow them to escape pain that may feel intolerable. And in those cases, talking about suicide or those fantasies can be a positive sign - a sign of trust, of reaching out, of connection. And a sign of not wanting to die.

We're going to explore these ideas today on SelfWork. Because talking about suicide - recognizing that feeling as if that's an answer to your pain -  is normal to feel. It's not a sin or a sign you're weak. I've literally talked with hundreds of people in my thirty years as a clinician about those thoughts. Because talking about it can lead to more understanding, greater trust, deeper self-compassion, and recognition of a desire to live.

If you or someone you love has struggled to reveal any kind of emotional pain - if your family or culture created the need for you to remain rigidly stoic, with tight control (or even denial) of hurt or pain - this approach may save your life.

If this triggers you in any way, here are the International Suicide Prevention Hot Lines.

The listener voicemail is from a woman whose addictions seemed to have been a huge part of her not mothering well from the perspective of her oldest child – who now has estranged herself from her mom. We’ll talk about what she can do in this circumstance to help herself cope with her loss, not allowing the estrangement to sabotage the rest of her life.

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

The history of suicide

Sociologist Jason Manning's research findings on factors leading to suicidal thinking

Mayo Clinic article about the distinction between suicide as a wish for death and suicide as a source of relief

NAMI's statistics on suicide

CBS Sunday Morning's episode on Donna's Law.

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Today my editor, graphic designer and general "auxiliary brain" Christine Mathias, has chosen her favorite podcast. It's all about self-soothing and Mister Rogers came to mind! And we look at the neurobiology of "calm," featuring work by Dr. Dan Siegel, a psychiatrist, author, researcher and integrative neurobiologist who coined the phrase, “Name it to tame it.”

Our listener email is from someone who has gained a lot from SelfWork – always something that makes me smile – but who can’t stop worrying about the cancel culture that has arrived. Suddenly you’re simply not around anymore or important or valued, because of what can seem like immediate and complete social rejection.

Important Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

YouTube Video of Dr. Dan Siegel demonstrating the "hand brain"

Dr. Dan Siegel article about Mister Rogers

New York Post article on cancel culture.

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Today's episode has been chosen by my audio engineer and producer, John Crowley, as one of this favorite episodes which earns the status of "good enough for a second time around" slot. And boy, does shame cause problems.

People often come into therapy saying things like, “I’m afraid I’m wasting your time, “ or, “I don’t know why I can’t pull myself together, “ Or, “If I believed in my faith and God enough, I wouldn’t be here. But because I am, I’ve failed.”

I know – without a doubt – I’m listening to shame talking.

Here are the ten most common birthplaces of shame you've never deserved... but carried with you. And it's time to challenge any voices that tell you differently.

• You were treated like an object through physical or sexual abuse.
• You were neglected and your most basic needs were intentionally unmet.
• You were valued only for external attributes or achievements, not for who you were.
• You were put on a pedestal or smothered, so you lack a sense of true security in yourself. Instead, you could “do no wrong.”
• You were put in charge as a child, did the best you could, but ultimately felt as if you failed.
• You were pulled into adult conflicts/dynamics that you couldn’t fix.
• What hurt you was invalidated or you feared rejection if you revealed your true self.
• You weren’t allowed to want/be/talk/think differently than your parents.
• You grew up in a family where nothing made rational sense and rules were always changing.
• You were compared negatively to others.

The listener voicemail is from someone who’s been diagnosed with Bp 1, 2, and then BPD, and has become overly reclusive. But what may be a major impediment to becoming more successful professionally and personally is his tendency to take what others say too personally – and building a wall of resentment toward them.. At the same time, he has friends and family who are supportive – so what’s going wrong?

Vital Links:

Here's the link to my course Perfectly Hidden Addiction on April 5, 2023 at 9:00 CST! Great for CE but also for information!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

And Click this link to try out some of the most potent CBD out there (And the best bang for your buck!) ! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!

Excellent article on 17 shaming states children hear in shame-based families by Doran Lamb

BetterHelp''s extremely helpful article illustrating how to find a Certified DBT Therapist

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Photo by Mathias Reding.

I recently posted about a study group I was doing on my personal FB page and somewhat apologetically explained that I was mixing professional with personal. I received an almost immediate response from a friend who said, “You love what you do so much, I don’t think there’s much of a line between the two.” And I had to laugh. She was right.

But then I came across an article that quoted recent research showing something surprising – that traditional beliefs had assumed that overwork led to depression and anxiety. Made sense, right? But now, researchers are finding that the opposite can be true – that people who are already depressed of anxious seek out work for distraction. So today, we’re going to be talking about work addiction, what might lead away from someone’s work schedule becoming destructive, and what kinds of things you can build into your life to help you curb your appetite for work.

The listener voicemail is from someone who describes herself as experiencing depression while others around her remind her to feel grateful and she senses they believe she’s wrapped up in self-pity. She says in her voicemail, “I feel guilty for feeling guilty for feeling guilty…”. So is going through a huge guilt cycle. We’ll focus on how to get out of that cycle. Again, as always, what can you do about it?

Vital Links: 

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Article on The  Good Men Project on the basic signs of work addiction.

An article from The Atlantic on practical solutions to workaholism

Forbes article on the relationship between suicide and the work environment

Countries experimenting with the four-day work week

Harry Miller's story

The Meadows three steps toward challenging work addiction

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression, which is coming out in the spring in German, is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Real motherhood can certainly seem like you're trudging your way through a jungle of fears, exhaustion, and confusion - so why is it still portrayed as "easy" or "natural"? Author Annaliese Lawton's new book, Welcome To The Jungle, explores her own emotional turmoil associated with maternity coupled with life's daily struggles. Lawton is a small-town mom whose literary journey began when her Facebook post on motherhood and mental health went viral. Her post was translated in seven different languages, accumulated 80,000 shares, six million views, and eventually landed Lawton a book deal. Filled with unfiltered thoughts and perspectives on womanhood, Welcome to the Jungle isn’t just another parenting book on the highs and lows of motherhood, it will encourage conversations about topics on maternal mental health, marriage, and wellness. Lawton shares, “To say the book is about motherhood is really an underestimation. Motherhood is the backdrop against which the real story unfolds."

And thanks once again to our great sponsor for this episode, Athletic Greens!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

This month we’ve been talking about relationships.This week I heard Andrew Solomon speak about his book Far from the Tree – when parents have a child that has some kind of difference from them, and they struggle not to see that difference as a problem or something that needs to be fixed. I found his ideas fascinating – the relationship between parents and children – and how love is far different than acceptance. And how we as adults (or children) can struggle with not feeling acceptance from family but can discover it in social acceptance. So, let’s dig into that topic a bit today and I'll add in my own ideas as we go.

The listener email is from a mental health professional who tried to hide from her own depression for several reasons – but isn’t now. She’s kind enough to attribute that to my book and podcast. I’ll tell her story and share some of her thoughts and hope that for any of you out there who feel that you simply cannot talk about yourself or your struggles with any transparency, that you’ll pause and think about that for a second.

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Andrew Solomon's interview with Big Think on the difference between love and acceptance

interview with  Dr. Adam Hill here on SelfWork!

Today we’re focusing on what mental or emotional issues are connected with being drawn into relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, missing the warning signs that others might sense or see. We’ll briefly cover the different types of narcissism; you can find lists that include anything from four to seven subtypes but we’ll keep it simple. And then, we’ll venture into the “why” – why might you not recognize such a manipulative and potentially emotionally abusive pattern? Here’s a huge hint. What you live as a child becomes your normal, even if it’s far from healthy or even truly normal. It’s what you experience – so that’s your normal. And you can bring that definition into your adulthood as you seek out relationships.

The listener email is from a married woman who explains that her husband demands that they remain in a non-sexually-intimate relationship – or a dating relationship -  so that he can fall back in love with her. But this has lasted twenty years! is it emotionally manipulative or could she married to someone who is more comfortable with a sexless marriage – and that could be driving this dynamic? I’ll offer my ideas..

Six Factors That Could Blind You to Narcissistic Manipulation

• You don't label abuse... as abuse.
• You're accustomed to rigid rules or control in your family or culture.
• You don't claim your own worth because you were not loved well.
• You take LOTS of responsibility; in fact, too much.
• You're not street smart or you're naīve.
• You chose to ignore your gut and instead, denied or discounted a clue that there was a problem and now, you feel stuck.

Vital Links: 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

VeryWell Health article on subtypes of narcissism.

New book by Katherine Schafler The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control

Article on loving a narcissist by Dr. Margaret

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

So much research and time and thought goes into romantic love. But what about platonic love – aka friendship? I loved Marisa Franco’s new book entitled Platonic and this interview is one of my favorites. I especially honor when she describes  friendships as being the relationships that are the steadiest your entire life. What you’re about to listen to is our conversation, with real, tangible, pragmatic steps to make friends and keep them. So if you struggle with that, this episode is for you! Or if you need reminding of how to maintain those friendships you enjoy, there's great advice there as well.

Here are three tips she offers and you can hear how grounded they are in reality:

• Initiate; don't wait for friendships – they don’t happen organically. You have to actively look for friends. They're not going to show up on your doorstep. Maybe you make them at work or at school. But other than that, you need to be on the lookout.
• Assume people like you. This may seem cocky but not really. Assuming you're liked gives you confidence and you're more likely to focus on letting others know what you like about them. Research calls this "the acceptance prophecy" and it works!
• You can’t just show up once; join a community that meets regularly. She calls this "the exposure effect" - you're more likely to make friends when you show up in each other's lives on a regular basis. And if the meeting is about something you're truly interested in, then that helps as well.

Vital Links:

 Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make--and Keep--Friends: - order her book today!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Seeming coincidences happen to me often, and again this week, something synergistic got my attention. First, I listened to the Invisibilia podcast where they actually featured another NPR podcast, a show called Life Kit. Dr. Amir Levine was interviewed, who’s an expert on attachment theory – and he spoke on how your attachment style can help and/or hinder you from being able to achieve emotional intimacy. At the same time, I received a deeply thought-out question in an email from a listener who was trying to figure out how her identification with perfectly hidden depression and a struggle with intimacy were connected. She stated that she had what’s called an “anxious avoidant” attachment style… So that pointed me to the very episode you’re going to hear today as we focus in February on relationships.

We'll cover the four different types of attachment styles, and how they are created in childhood.  As an adult, they influence what you seek in relationship, what you’re comfortable or secure with and what you’re not. But your style can also change - and that's what we'll focus on... what you can do about it.  You can also click on a link to a questionnaire in your show notes that’s free and you can determine what your own attachment style is currently!

Here's the link to the attachment questionnaire!  Click this link!

The featured email questions for today are also about PHD – one is how to talk about it with a therapist that you’re beginning to see – the second, “How do I know if my work on it is making a difference?” Great questions.

Other Vital Links: 

Mark Manson  on attachment styles

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression, which is coming out in the spring in German, is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Today we’re focusing on self-absorption – being highly preoccupied with your own concerns, your inner thoughts, or yourself in general. Depression can be viewed as an "implosion of the self" which creates self-absorption. I’m speaking of self-absorption not in a condescending or judgmental way, but as a way of helping the person who’s depressed, as well as the people who are trying to love them, to understand how two possible components of depression – anhedonia and apathy - can be perceived in relationships as self-centeredness or self-absorption. And, as always, what to do about it.

The listener voicemail this week is from a woman whose mother is always "one-upping" her, meaning her mom says she hurts more, or has accomplished more... the topic doesn't really matter. Her mother doesn't offer affirmation for her daughter, but remains in a weird kind of competition with her. And her daughter is very, very lonely.

Vital Links for Today! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

Article in Psychology Today by Dr. Leon Seltzer on self-absorption

The difference between anhedonia and apathy in depression

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

First of all, I cannot express how grateful I am to be back and to be healthy. Fear was very much a part of the weeks before my surgery. I had to realize and accept that I wasn’t in control of what might or might not happen. I was only in control of my response to those things. So that’s what I tried to focus on – how was I going to respond? But all has turned out very well... and I feel intense gratitude.

The topic for today was brought to my attention by a wonderful voice mail I got over the break. This listener asks about how to handle a strange sort of guilt she feels when she's not doing a purposeful activity and feeling confusion over what to say to someone who innocently asks, "Whatcha been doing?" After you haven't been doing anything much of importance.

We'll focus on three sources of this guilt: Self-reproach. Fear or anxiety about how you might be judged or perceived as lazy or incompetent. And last... "time anxiety" itself, which is anxiety over how you're spending your time - and how to quell that anxiety with one simple question. "How would I define 'time well-spent?'

Vital Links:

The Clockify Article on time anxiety

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Bob Waldinger's publicist used these words to describe him - "warm and humble."  That can be hard to find… and I knew I wanted him to be our guest here on SelfWork.

He has plenty of things he could crow about (as we’d say in Arkansas). He’s a Harvard  professor, 20-year director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development? And his TED Talk is one of the ten most popular of all time, with over 43 million views. What’s the Harvard study all about it? It’s the longest scientific study of happiness every conducted. Here’s what they say: “Radical for its time in 1938, this first -of-its-kind study is now in its 84^th year, with an 84% retention rate. Even JFK was a participant!

He’s understandably proud of the wide range of data the study has amassed through the years – as they wanted to focus on what keeps you healthy rather than what makes you sick. His new book came out three days ago – it’s called  THE GOOD LIFE.

It explains in detail:

• The most common misconceptions about happiness.
• What social fitness is and how to exercise it.
• How to understand the influence of your childhood on your adult relationships.
• What you’re likely getting wrong about achievement.
• The first step you can take if you want to live a good life.

We had a wonderful conversation – but not only do I hope you enjoy it, I hope that you’ll learn more about what will truly bring you happiness.

Bob Waldinger's publicist used these words to describe him - "warm and humble."  That can be hard to find… and I knew I wanted him to be our guest here on SelfWork.

He has plenty of things he could crow about (as we’d say in Arkansas). He’s a Harvard  professor, 20-year director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development? And his TED Talk is one of the ten most popular of all time, with over 43 million views. What’s the Harvard study all about it? It’s the longest scientific study of happiness every conducted. Here’s what they say: “Radical for its time in 1938, this first -of-its-kind study is now in its 84^th year, with an 84% retention rate. Even JFK was a participant!

He’s understandably proud of the wide range of data the study has amassed through the years – as they wanted to focus on what keeps you healthy rather than what makes you sick. His new book came out three days ago – it’s called  THE GOOD LIFE.

It explains in detail:

• The most common misconceptions about happiness.
• What social fitness is and how to exercise it.
• How to understand the influence of your childhood on your adult relationships.
• What you’re likely getting wrong about achievement.
• The first step you can take if you want to live a good life.

We had a wonderful conversation – but not only do I hope you enjoy it, I hope that you’ll learn more about what will truly bring you happiness.