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The SelfWork Podcast

I'm Dr. Margaret, a psychologist for over 25 years and the author of Perfectly Hidden Depression. I created The SelfWork Podcast in 2016 to explain mental health treatment, and to give you the chance to consider therapy without thinking it's weird or somehow suggests you can't "fix" your own problems. My team is so honored that five years later, SelfWork has earned nearly 3.5 million downloads! Each episode features the popular listener question. And, once a month, you’ll hear a “You Get the Gist” segment - a five minute run-down of a current topic - as well as an interview with an outstanding guest author or expert, adding to the wide diversity of topics listeners so appreciate. Regularly rated as one of the top mental health/depression podcasts out there, I keep it short and casual - and I'd love to hear from you. Please join me.
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Now displaying: 2022
Mar 25, 2022

 

This question came up in a couple of scenarios this week. So, I decided to go with the synergy of that and focus on the decisions surrounding self-revelation - or telling your story. Here's the question: “How do I talk to someone about what’s really going on with me? I’m scared they’ll feel like I’m dumping on them, I’m feeling sorry for myself. Or even worse, I’m scared they’ll take it on like it’s their problem.” I know some of you rarely if ever do that; some of you may do it too much. So, what’s a middle ground? How can you filter your own need to be listened to, to be understood, so that you set up a situation where you get what you want and need?. Or for those of you who stay completely away from sharing parts of your story, how can you begin to do it at all??

The listener email is from someone who saw my Pinterest feed – and more specifically the pin on PHD – took my questionnaire and was shocked by her score. So ,what should or could she do now? This is a question I get a lot so wanted to bring it to the forefront again today.

You’ll also hear from Athletic Greens, or AG1 – about their conservation commitment and how you can not only benefit from their product, but how they trying in turn to benefit the world.

So sit back and relax -as we focus together on sharing – the why, how, what, when and where of sharing. And how do you know whether you’re venting, dumping, or simply sharing your story…

Important Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

A great article on the difference between venting and dumping

The USA Today article on trauma dumping

My SelfWork episode (008) on how to be a good listener

You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Mar 18, 2022

A.A. Milne's character Winnie the Pooh -  Eeyore - the droopy eyed donkey who Winnie loves, has many famous quotes. But this is one of my favorites, especially when thinking about how to work through disappointment. "Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them." Disappointment is something we all have to work through. Yet it’s important to know that you can do it - because it's one of those things that happens to everyone. Something you thought would happen, had counted on and put energy into  - won't happen. And that hurts.

So in today's episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, I'll offer seven steps to do just that. What are they?

  • Grieve first.
  • Start getting perspective right off the bat.
  • Consider and acknowledge what your own part and what you were disappointed in is or was. That's utilizing your internal locus control.
  • Acknowledge what you couldn't control, utilizing your external locus control.
  •  Build back your energy, enthusiasm by choosing to do things that will bring you pleasure. And those dopamine receptors will love that.
  •  Look for the windows that are opening as that door closes. Again, you might need friends to do that.
  • Reassess your disappointment. Take time in the next two or three months or even six months to look back and say, “All right, how do I perceive that disappointment now?"

We'll talk about all of these - so that those weeds do become lovely enough and you can move on.

The listener voicemail is from someone who listened to my YouTube talk about enmeshment – not only has she recognized that she and her mom were highly enmeshed, now she’s obsessed with finding out information about it – and doesn’t know what to do. She has a label but now what? I’ll do my best to give her some ideas.

Other Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

A great article explaining locus of control

The neurobiology of disappointment - what's going on in your brain when you're disappointed?

Another article about the lateral habenula and its role in disappointment and depression

Harvard Business Review article on disappointment

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mar 11, 2022
Today's episode is full of wonderful email questions from four of you and my answers! We'll cover someone who identifies with perfectly hidden depression and is doing trauma work... but things seem to be getting harder, not easier. Is that normal? A second listener writes in about how difficult it is for her to change habits - and down the rabbit hole she goes, into an emotional space she hates but somehow can't seem to avoid. So how to stop that?

The third question is from a woman whose mom was narcissistic, and she's realizing that she was drawn to partners who also had narcissistic traits. Why does this happen? And fourth, a listener's mom seems to have borderline traits, and doesn't realize the negative impact of her actions and behaviors on others. So the question is how to go forward setting boundaries - and I have two ideas of how she could proceed.

Lots of great topics! So in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, I'll offer my ideas to all four listeners - and am so grateful for not only their questions, but I'm happy that all have sought help from therapy.

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Mar 4, 2022

I loved this review of Talya Miron-Shatz' new book Your Life Depends On It (certainly an attention-catching title!) “People who expect to stay healthy forever need not read this wonderful book.  The rest of us should.  With a fine combination of humor, compassion and vast knowledge, Talya Miron-Shatz offers clear and useful guidance for the hardest decisions of life.”  Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman. I'll add my own humble praise for her work, for as I read, I remembered all the times I'd fumbled around at a doctor's office, forgetting to ask what I really needed to ask, even forgetting some important detail of what exactly was wrong!

So I was eager to bring you her work, as literally your life may depend on it. She gives all sorts of great information in her book and in this interview, but she also offers the three most vital questions to ask you medical practitioner. A great thing to know!

Her uncommonly broad perspective has crystalized into a worldview that sees health as a joint venture between patients, doctors, and even medical institutions themselves. No one side here can do this alone, or should be led to think they can . In an often funny, but very common-sense kind of way, Talya offers tangible tips on what you need to know, what you need to ask, and how you and your medical practitioner can make the best decisions for you.

And the last thing she says I also love. She's on a mission that she knows is a very difficult one. But, as she says (and I'm quoting from memory...), "I have a voice. And I must use it to at least try to help."

Important Links: 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

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Feb 25, 2022

Imagine my surprise when I heard of a great book I wanted to feature on SelfWork - and then discovered its author lived in my own hometown of Fayetteville, Arkansas! That book is You Are What You Click and its author is Dr. Brian Primack. He holds a master’s in education from Harvard (with a focus on adolescent development, psychology, and education), an M.D. from Emory, and finally a Ph.D. in Behavioral Science from the University of Pittsburgh. Those credentials might seem to be enough, but he's also an internationally acclaimed expert on the relationship between media, technology, and health.

It turns out for example that Dr. Primack's most recent research has found that there is a direct link between the amount of time you spend on social media and your level of depression. And we're lucky enough to have him right here at the University of Arkansas, as he's now Dean of the College of Education and Health Professions. So I present him and his work to you today. On top of all that, he's light-hearted and engaging to listen to, as you can hear the passion for what his research is uncovering and how we all can govern how social media is affecting us - not the other way around.

So, in this episode of SelfWork, sponsored by Athletic Greens or AG1, you can learn what social media's influence is on you and your mental health.

Important Links!

Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

Feb 18, 2022

I get a lot of questions about therapy - how to find a therapist, how to know if therapy is working. One of the most common questions is, “How do I open up?” But here was another and different kind of comment last week.  “Things I was only vaguely aware of, or knew, but was able to keep locked away from myself - have decided to pick the lock.” So, sometimes opening up can be a slow process while at other times, painful emotions and memories can come bursting out when triggered. So, in this episode of  SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we're going to focus on five things to be aware of that can lead you to feel as emotionally safe as possible with your therapist.

The listener voicemail is only five seconds long… but her question is heartbreaking. I’m not sure I have answers… but I definitely want to extend comfort and reassurance.

So, let’s talk about how you build safety into beginning to open up about things that – at least initially – don’t feel safe at all.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Psychology Today article by Dr. Margaret on when you have conflict with your therapist...

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

Feb 11, 2022

Perhaps the most poignant messages I receive are the ones from people who love someone who's becoming less and less “like’ themselves – and are frightened about what’s going on. This week I heard from a wife whose husband..."has always had an excuse for his extremely busy schedule. Over the past several months he has been acting very differently and has been more open about his unhappiness, and will admit to being depressed. He is also very confused. I came upon your podcast and book as I was searching... We started couples therapy... but he'll say things like" I don't think this is what's really wrong", or "She's focusing on why I'm smiling during the session, when really the problem is that I'm unhappy".

So in today's SelfWork, sponsored by Athletic Greens, we'll focus on burnout and its relationship with perfectionism - and how both can lead to true classic depression.

The listener email today is also someone asking about PHD – but this time, about her own potential for it as someone with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). She'd worked through her pandemic anxiety with therapy and medications, but now, off medications, this listener is experiencing new feelings of anger and irritability. What could be happening?

Important Links:

Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Definition of burnout

Slides of burnout symptoms

The twelve stages of burnout

SelfWork Podcast on Self-Compassion

What is generalized anxiety disorder: The article by The Mayo Clinic

148 on conditional love

You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Feb 4, 2022

I want to eagerly and deeply thank HealthLine for naming The SelfWork Podcast the "Best Overall Podcast for Depression!" Wow!! Thank you to my team and to you, the listeners! Talk about not being able to "do it without you"? We truly can't! So my gratitude to each and every listener...

Today I'm going to catch you up on what I'm continuing to learn about perfectionism. And  I’ll share my new understanding of what makes PHD-perfectionism different from others. It's trauma-based or trauma-induced. I"ll also explain how the mind actually disposes (or seems to dispose) of the memory of an experience and the feelings it initially created – the processes of suppression and repression are fascinating to learn about!

I wrote a post about my reaction to this week's voicemail in Psychology Today - you might want to read it yourself and its in the links section below.  I know that therapists are people too… but I want you – my SelfWork listeners – to be prepared for how to handle things if your therapist disappoints or hurts or even angers you!

So in this episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, who's again here with a great offer for you, we'll talk about compartmentalization and trauma-based perfectionism.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Psychology Today article by Dr. Margaret on when you have conflict with your therapist...

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

Feb 2, 2022
On this YGTG for this week, please know that we offer a trigger warning; I'm going to talk about the recent suicide of Cheslie Kryst.

On the 30th of January, a young woman threw herself off the balcony of a New York high rise and died. She was Cheslie Kryst, who'd made history as the oldest Miss USA at the age of 28. She was highly successful, extremely driven, and desperately afraid of getting older as if when she turned 30, her time for accomplishment would disappear.

People who were trying to cope with her death said, "Don't forget to check on the strong people." That's a great first step. But there's another, even more important step. First, be vulnerable yourself. Invite those strong people to do the same. And do it more than once. Do it often. And maybe, just maybe, one day they’ll say, “You know, I’m actually terrified to let anyone know what goes on in my head.” Check on strong people. Yes. But help them – and the world – begin redefining what “strong” is. You begin defining what strong is. That’s what will help the Cheslie’s of the world.

I offer my compassion to all who knew and loved her.

Jan 28, 2022
Today we're going to talk about the fairly sticky subject of the difference between expectations, demand, and setting boundaries.  What do you do when you feel disappointed by others? Do you isolate or judge?  Do you get mad or sulk? Could it be that your very expectations are the problem? Is it different to voice your expectations than it is to secretly have them?  Or is that playing a game that the other person doesn’t know you’re playing? And how do boundaries fit in here? We'll ask lots of questions and hopefully reach some answers today on SelfWork.

The listener email for today is from a young 21 year-old who feels tremendous loyalty to her family and feels “needed” by them. But she also feels very stuck and admits she can hold onto a victim mentality. She’s dealing with enmeshment it sounds like.. and She’s asking how she can take baby steps to start living more independently… Wonderful question and I’ll do my best to give her some ideas. What would you say?

So, in this episode sponsored by the fantastic Athletic Greens, please, sit back and relax… let’s focus on expectations, demands, and boundaries.

Important Links:

Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Episode 168 on setting boundaries

Episode 148 on conditional love

You can hear more relationship advice and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

Jan 21, 2022

We have a huge treat for you today, and her name is Kimberly Quinlan. She specializes in anxiety disorders, obsessive compulsive disorder, eating disorders, and body focused, repetitive behaviors.. She also provides one-on-one treatment, and offers free online courses at the school she founded, The CBT School. . And I really recommend that any of you who struggle listen to her podcast, Your Anxiety Toolkit. But today, I'm interviewing her about her new book, The Self-Compassion Workbook for OCD: Lean Into Your Fear, Manage Difficult Emotions and Focus on Recovery.

I read it cover to cover, and have already recommended it to a client of my own who struggles with OCD. I know you'll love how Kimberly approaches treatment,  She stresses that self-compassion is vital due to the frequent presence of intense self-loathing in OCD.

So in this episode, once again sponsored by the great folks at BetterHelp, let's hear the wisdom of Kimberley Quinlan.

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Jan 14, 2022

I’m so delighted to be back with you in 2022! Happy New Year to all of you as we continue to work for you here on the podcast! We are growing by leaps and bounds so a huge thank you to all of you who’ve been sharing and telling your friends about your experience. Please subscribe wherever you listen and my immense gratitude to any of you who’ve left a review or rating! That lets people know we’re still pumping it out and giving SelfWork listeners what you want and need and enjoy! And I’d welcome more questions! You can use the Speakpipe app in the show notes below or email me: askdrmargaret@drmargaretrutherford.com.

This listener left a written review: “I do love listening to this podcast because it helps me feel more “normal” in my depression, anxiety, trauma. I’m 41 years old and I recognize that something is not right with me , but I bottle it up and shove it away! Thanks for sharing your experiences and help!” So today, we’re going to focus on learning how to soothe yourself - and not to bottle it up and shove it away.

The listener email asks for some perspective or support about boundaries or walls in relationships – and that’s when an apology – even a sincere one – isn’t accepted. It can be heart-breaking but I’ll offer some ideas of what she can choose to try.

So,in this first fresh episode of SelfWork in 2022, sponsored by AG1 or Athletic Greens (which was basically my first act of self-care on the very first day of 2022), we’re talking about self-soothing.

Important Links:

SelfWork Episode 227 on "Bad stuffing versus good stuffing"/ Comparmentalization

Article on repression and suppression

If you want to listen to the full orchestral piece, Adagio for Strings by Samuel Barber, here's the link.

Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Podcast on handling narcissism in relationships

Podcast on loving someone with borderlinepersonality disorder

You can hear more relationship advice and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

Jan 11, 2022

Here's our last Second Time Around until we're back in the saddle in a few days! And we're so looking forward to what's ahead in 2022!

What's a trauma bond? How does it form? Why is it important for that dynamic to have its own label or name? Trauma bonding happens when trust is highly manipulated; when commitment and trying to make a relationship work is used against someone as a way to keep them in denial or disbelief that a relationship is harmful to them. I’ve been there. I still have never revealed all that happened in that relationship; so much of it is now such clear abuse, I’m flabbergasted I didn’t see it for what it was. But I didn’t. Until I did.

Our listener email for today is from someone who wants some answers about enmeshment and what she terms “covert narcissism” – It sounds like she’s the daughter and feels enmeshed or has been told perhaps she’s enmeshed with him. It’s very much like our topic so I thought it meshed well with the topic.

So please get comfortable and listen in to what may be a triggering episode for some of you - so listen carefully and protectively. And my gratitude to our sponsor today - BetterHelp!

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

John Kim, aka The Angry Therapist provides an article on trauma bonding

A BBC article on Stockholm syndrome

An  article in VeryWellMind.discusses features of covert narcissism

Wikipedia article on trauma bonds

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Jan 7, 2022

Hello and welcome again to SelfWork! We've got one more week until we're back live!  But I've chosen some of the most popular episodes to listen to a second time around! And of course, today's episode is one very close to my heart.

What’s the difference, or is there one, between Perfectly Hidden Depression and what’s called high-functioning depression? I’m particularly motivated – in fact very sadly motivated – to talk about it because of an email I received this week from a woman whose husband killed himself. He was in his early 40’s. And no one could believe it. He had a perfect-looking life. Children he loved, a career he felt excited about, friends and family that loved him. Yet he couldn’t communicate his darker emotions, emotions that would lead him to suicide. We’ll talk about the difference – and why that difference matters. In fact, why that difference has to be understood.

The listener email will feature the woman who wrote me about the sudden suicide of her husband, and I’ll answer her questions concerning where to go from where she is.

But before continuing, let's hear from our wonderful sponsor, Athletic Greens and learn about their very special offer to SelfWork listeners!

Important Links:

Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Articles on high-functioning depression:

Author and food writer David “Avocado” Wolfe

Millennial free lance writer Shin Hye on The Huffington Post

Counselor Annie Wright on The Mighty.

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Jan 4, 2022

Starting off in a new year, knowing it'll be filled with both challenge and celebration, it helps to think you have a solid partnership in your life. But if you have conflict or estrangement or alienation within your relationship, facing a new year can be more than daunting and certainly very lonely. Today we’re going to focus on what can cause these kinds of problems. But as usual, we’re also focusing on “what you can do about it.” I’ll use a couples therapy case from my own practice that shows that even though a problem may seem insurmountable, and like the relationship is over, there are four attitudes and actions that can help you find your way back to each other – and even to love.

Our listener email today is a very poignant one from a young man whose relationship with his mom was rocky due to her being abusive. But now she’s died of a second bout with cancer. And he finds himself pushing away others who love him, except for his two year-old child. He wants to understand his actions, and I’ll do my best to answer his question.

But before going further, let's hear from a great SelfWork sponsor - Athletic Greens who has a great offer for you - as well as bonus product! (I use this every day and it's great!)

Important Links:

Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Podcast on handling narcissism in relationships

Podcast on loving someone with borderlinepersonality disorder

You can hear more relationship advice and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

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