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The SelfWork Podcast

I'm Dr. Margaret, a psychologist for over 25 years and the author of Perfectly Hidden Depression. I created The SelfWork Podcast in 2016 to explain mental health treatment, and to give you the chance to consider therapy without thinking it's weird or somehow suggests you can't "fix" your own problems. My team is so honored that five years later, SelfWork has earned nearly 3.5 million downloads! Each episode features the popular listener question. And, once a month, you’ll hear a “You Get the Gist” segment - a five minute run-down of a current topic - as well as an interview with an outstanding guest author or expert, adding to the wide diversity of topics listeners so appreciate. Regularly rated as one of the top mental health/depression podcasts out there, I keep it short and casual - and I'd love to hear from you. Please join me.
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Now displaying: October, 2021
Oct 29, 2021

Today, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to focus on what psychologists call "a solid sense of self" - which is a little jargonistic for me. First we'll touch on the huge difference between codependence and interdependence, with the latter being so important in the development of trust and cooperation. Then we'll move onto the issue of hanging on to your sense of "being you" while in a relationship. You certainly don't do that in a codependent relationship but you can in an interdependent one. And to make it even more accessible, I've broken down this whole solid sense of self concept into five components.

  • Know what you value about yourself - your strengths - and claim these competencies with humility.
  • Use your voice to state what you think , what you expect and what you want -  and then to compromise.
  • Expect others to respect your boundaries.
  • Take responsibility for your own vulnerabilities and the impact they might have on others.
  • Seek relationships where you have the opportunity to learn to trust and to be trusted.

The listener voicemail is a painful one to hear. And difficult because I don’t have  a really great answer. I can certainly hear how the listener is watching someone he loves emotionally suffer – yet the situation he describes doesn’t seem to be one he can control. I’ll try to suggest to him what he does have in his control… as little as that may seem.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Article in VeryWellMind on interdependence

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my websiteand receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oct 22, 2021

We’re going to talk about what I term a "trilogy of trouble" today, or basically how jealousy, envy and possessiveness can sabotage a relationship or commitment. This can happen in personal as well as professional relationships, but we're mostly focused on personal aspects of the trio of trouble. Jealousy can emerge from fear and it can emerge from resentment. So, how do you tell if it's justified or completely unjustified? We'll talk about that and more, such as how you can learn from these feelings if you don't react to them and act in hurtful ways. In fact, we're going to hear from fellow psychologist and podcaster  Nick Wignall, another psychologist and podcaster about how the "story" you tell yourself about your feelings can exponentially increase the likelihood of creating more chaos.

The listener voicemail is about forgiveness of someone who’s cut you out of an inheritance – one that sounds as if it could’ve been fairly large. We don't know a lot of facts, so I'll answer her question with some guesses, but three general directions she could go to choose to forgive, or not to forgive.

This episode is further sponsored by Athletic Greens, who has a new product (AG1) and a new way of making both your life and the lives of others work better as well!

Important Links

An article on the psychology of jealousy by Joe Duncan

Excellent research by Mark Attridge on jealousy

Nick Wignall's website and post on jealousy

You can hear more about relationships and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Oct 21, 2021

Today's You Get the Gist is a short bow to my own aging process - as today is my birthday! It became clear to me last week that when someone is using such figures as Colonel Sanders to encourage you to keep on keeping on - something has shifted! lolol.. So I looked for stories of very cool people that had done just that - and I found the awe-inspiring Virginia Oliver as my next role model. Here's her story and a poem I love, written by Scottish poet Jenny Joseph when she was only 29 years of age. I've always loved it and hold it now even closer to my heart.

Warning

By Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people’s gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Important Links:

The story of Virginia Oliver

And the link to Jenny's poem Warning...

You can hear more about many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

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Oct 15, 2021

I truly can't express how I feel about SelfWork being alive and well and celebrating its 5th anniversary! I couldn't do it without the listeners, the commenters, those who've emailed, those who've left ratings and reviews, those who listen week after week - or those of you who drop in from time to time. All of you are important, in fact vital. I’ve never experienced anything like it. And I hopefully humbly want to thank you for showing up.

Some weeks are hard than others to pull together an episode. Each one of them takes anywhere from 4 to 6 hours to write and then time to record, send to John Crowley, my audio engineer, for editing. Then he sends it back to me. And I listen again. Then Christine Mathias, my go-to person for so much makes the graphic – sometimes edits what I write for the show notes. Reminds me of some scheduling issue or another. Gets the episodes in the weekly newsletter. Sends that out. It’s a true team effort. And I’m so lucky to have these talented people on that team.

I thought it would be fun for y’all to hear from them – the guys themselves – John Crowley and Christine Mathias… You will hear their hearts as well… And of course, a huge thank you to our sponsors, BetterHelp and Athletic Greens. Their support has made the podcast much easier and hopefully, both companies have helped you find a better, healthier way to live. So, let's celebrate together! Happy 5th Anniversary!!

Oct 8, 2021

Welcome to a difficult episode of SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp.  First of all, I need to state a trigger/content warning for anyone listening who was forced manipulatively, physically or sexually into a sexual relationship with a parent or grandparent.

I’ve done an episode on sibling sexual abuse and received a lot of feedback, thanking me for explaining the feelings associated with being molested by a brother or sister. Today, we’re going to widen the discussion to familial incest, and will focus on when a parent sexualizes the relationship they have a with a child. I’ll use the case histories of people I’ve worked with, both women and men, to describe what happened to them, and how they’ve come to understand and heal their very deep wounds of never feeling safe or loved for who they were, but for what they could “do” or were forced to do for a parent, a grandparent, an aunt or an uncle. – literally being treated like an object there to be controlled and manipulated.

The international sexual abuse hotline links can be found below in your show notes.

Today’s listener email is from a listener who’s identified with borderline personality disorder and who's struggling with self-forgiveness.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

RAINN statistics on incest and sexual abuse

A SelfWork episode on confronting your abuser

Melissa Bradley-Ball, sexual abuse expert,  speaking on healing from abuse

SelfWork episode on self-forgiveness

If you’ve been abused, there are several excellent books that might help you. “The Courage To Heal” by Laura Davis and “Waking The Tiger” by Peter Levine are two classics. Many rape crisis centers also run free groups for victims, as do individual counselors. There are chat groups on Twitter — use the hashtag #CSA. Child Abuse Hotlines can be found here.

International Abuse Hotlines

https://www.childhelplineinternational.org/child-helplines/child-helpline-network/

https://www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html

https://www.rainn.org/

https://victimconnect.org/resources/national-hotlines/

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my websiteand receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

Oct 1, 2021

Today I want to focus on the confusion that anyone can have about what's causing their depression. And the important question is, "Is it me or is it my relationship?"  The episode is in answer to an email I received from a 20-something listener but is a confusing problem for many. They write, “I would love to not receive a solution, but just gain some perspective on what you believe would be wise for me to do.” Well, that’s good because I’m not sure I can offer a solution. But I’ll see what research says and add my input.

Today’s listener email is also about relationships and regaining trust. The listener writes, “Everything I wanted is now mine.” But she’s struggling with resentment after her husband had an affair.  So in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens (now known as AG1!) , we’ll be focusing on relationships and the hurdles that many face within them.  Welcome as always to SelfWork!

Important Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

An early SelfWork podcast on healing after an affair and regaining trust

Psychology Today article on the "seven year itch"

You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to Dr. Margaret’s podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to this website and receive her weekly blog posts and podcasts!

If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available! And you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

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