Do you or someone you know apologize all the time? This can stem from several dynamics – if you’re in an abusive relationship currently or there was trauma in your childhood where you’ve grown up believing that the fault when relationships or events go sour is somehow all yours. There’s also the presence of anxiety or more specifically OCD, or what’s termed “the spotlight effect”. We’ll talk about all of these and more.
So we’ll talk about how to catch yourself from that unnecessary “I’m sorry” and change it into something that notices when things aren’t quite right, but doesn’t indicate a one-down position.
The listener voicemails for today share two distinct ways of thinking about aging. I wrote a post called “Turning 58” years ago now – and both of them had strong reactions. The fact that they both were sent to me in a short period of time was ironic – and it would be easy to label one “Good” and the other one “bad.” I’d like us to listen instead with compassion and see what could help both.
So welcome to this episode of SelfWork sponsored by BetterHelp – and let’s talk about over-apologizing and as always, what to do about it.
Importnat Links:
The spotlight effect research described.
Beverly Engel's book The Power of an Apology,
Therapist Sharon Martin's take on how to stop apologizing .
The Swaddle's take about where the power of apologizing lies... and why some apologize and others don't.
Forbes article on how over-apologizing can steal your self-confidence.
My blogpost on Turning 58.
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
For today's YGTG, or "You Get the Gist", I was pondering what a patient of mine said the other day. He had to struggle a bit with the idea that therapy – for him – felt a little self-indulgent. He followed quickly up by saying, “I know it’s because I rarely if ever focus on myself. And it feels a little odd doing it. But it’s also not an easy thing to do. And most self-indulgences are that… easy things. Things that offer comfort. This definitely isn’t easy.”
What follows is a story about having a rock in your shoe - which I hope can stand as a metaphor for those who may not come into therapy for severe trauma or grief, depression or anxiety - but who can benefit greatly from realizing that dealing with something apparently "small" may have remarkable results.
You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
The Hidden Opponent is the name of D1 College Athlete Victoria Garrick's TedTalk. And it's powerful. Who is she? She's a former Division I Volleyball Player, TED Talk Speaker and has now become a social media Influencer, and mental health advocate. Those are the facts about Victoria Garrick. She’s young, she’s incredibly energetic and passionate. She’s highly competitive. And she’s struggled with depression as well as a binge eating disorder, the latter of which she’s only now started opening up about.
After graduating from the University of Southern California in 2019, Victoria has traveled the country speaking on college campuses, hosts her hit podcast Real Pod, and creates daily content for her army of over 1.5M+ people who follow her message of authenticity and self-care on social media.
I know that those of you who are in college or recently out will be fascinated with her and parents whose kids are into sports also need to listen – as she opens up about how the competitiveness of sports and winning can, often unintentionally , work to create feelings of wanting it all to end . She’s also created a non-profit called “The Hidden Opponent” and is marshalling and creating support organizations for college athletes who need a place for their mental health struggles to be understood and accepted. The pressure can be immense as she explains in our interview. How coaches and teammates perceive mental health struggles can be a problem, how parents can be trying to understand but how there can be so much room for miscommunication.
So in this SelfWork episode, sponsored again by Athletic Greens, she opens her heart and her experience to all who will listen. I'll hope you join us.
Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product with your subscription!
Victoria's website and Real Pod podcast
Victoria's Ted Talk The Hidden Opponent
The Hidden Opponent Non-Profit Group
You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to Dr. Margaret’s podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to this website and receive her weekly blog posts and podcasts!
If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available! And you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
It’s been long known in the field of trauma that people who survive a car wreck, a mass shooting, or now, a worldwide viral pandemic – can often struggle with questions about why they survived, while someone right next to them, or someone they loved, did not. Parents who buried their children. Teachers who saw students gunned down. And of course, it’s a huge part of the PTSD felt by soldiers returning from war or anyone going through trauma.
So today’s episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, focuses on surviving your own guilt. But survivor’s guilt can also exist in a milder or perhaps we should say in a more subtle form. Someone’s house that remained standing after a tornado destroys others’ homes. A mom with three children whose best friend can’t get pregnant. Someone whose family openly accepted them as gay or trans while a partner’s family disowned them.
Our listener email is from someone whose teenager has come to them, telling them he is gay. And they turned to me for advice on where to go for good advice. I’ll do my best to let them, and you, know.
Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product with your subscription!
Two links from Grown and Flown's website: Advice on how to support your bisexual gay teen and 12 tips to help gay teens (both these references have great links to other sources...)
How to help someone come into their "window of tolerance"
Wonderful article from a counseling website on survivor guilt
You can hear more about survivors guilt and many other topics by listening to Dr. Margaret’s podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to this website and receive her weekly blog posts and podcasts!
If you'd like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available! And you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You'll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you're giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I'll look forward to hearing from you!
CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is all about discovering your mental mistakes or cognitive distortions - or as the CBT folks say, “Your stinkin' thinkin." And CBT is the most recommended therapeutic method to fend off depression. It makes sense. It’s fairly easy to understand. And their premise is that if you change what you believe, then the emotions and actions that follow will be different and far healthier.
So today, in this episode sponsored again by BetterHelp, we’ll talk about the ten most common mental mistakes you can make and what to do about them.
The listener email for today is from a man whose addictions have created pain and severe illness. He takes responsibility but also states that his wife is stuck in believing that he’s feeling sorry for himself. He says he’s very depressed. This is a difficult situation where both sound angry and certainly not allied. What would you say to him? I’ll give it my own try..
Important Links:
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
An article describing David Burns' list of cognitive distortions from The Feeling Good Handbook
John Grohol's Psych Central article on ten ways to "fix" those mental mistakes
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
We’re talking self-talk today on SelfWork; What is it? And what can you do about it? A lot of people tell me they kinda “know” what it is, but haven't a clue how to change it. It feels as if it’s too elusive. How could you possibly rein in what your mind is telling you about something?
Today, in this episode sponsored by Athletic Greens, I'll offer six steps for this process. But I want to stress that it takes practice. And lots of it. So please be patient with yourself. The rewards can be incredible, but often you're trying to undo years of self-criticism that whispers almost constantly.
Our listener email from today is from someone who’s not getting over a divorce and links it with not having access to his emotions. So how do you access your emotions when it doesn't come easily for you?
Important links:
Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product with your subscription!
List of emotions: https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/list-of-emotions
You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to Dr. Margaret’s new podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to this website and receive her weekly blog posts and podcasts!
If you'd like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there's a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You'll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you're giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I'll look forward to hearing from you!
As I wrote the book Perfectly Hidden Depression, I included over sixty specific exercises that would make reading it more of an emotional challenge, rather than one more chance to analyze. There are both action-oriented and reflective exercises and hopefully, you'd come away with a journal full of fresh insights, guidance on effecting real change in your life and support for taking risks.
So today, in this episode sponsored by Athletic Greens, I want to give you a taste of those exercises, so that you can get a sense of how this kind of change can be tried on for size. So many people want to change but start off with a plan that's way too difficult or hard to reach. Instead, these exercises are things you can do to help set yourself up for success – however it is that you would like to define that success. They include: creating a mantra, beginning to detach from shame, identifying emotions that are hard to feel, realizing underlying beliefs about worry and other feeling states, receiving positive recognition from others, and creating your own relationship graphic.
July 6th, I'll be giving my first CE course on PHD for therapists! And if you’d like to sign up for this power-packed CEYou! conference, and get 15% of the whole thing – you can use this link and the coupon code “PresenterRef”. I’ll be providing research and information on perfect hidden depression – both things that are in the book and things I’ve learned since writing it! And there are some other wonderful presenters! So, I’d love to have you there.
Our listener email is from someone who’s identified with perfectly hidden depression. But her specific problem lies with jealousy or difficulty as she tries to maintain a friendship with her ex.
Important Links:
Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product with your subscription!
You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
In today’s SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to be talking about how to enrich your emotional life through self-compassion. So many people tell me that they don’t know how to begin to risk feelings that have been suppressed for years. But when you do, you expand the emotions available to you, and enrich your own emotional life. I gave some basics in Episode 102 – so there are other ideas there as well. Today, i offer one simple exercise or visualization for you to try that might open an emotional door for you.
There’s always the caveat when I’m talking about reaching out to deeper feelings.That caveat is that trauma work – risking feeling emotions that are a result of trauma or abuse – often needs to be done with a trauma expert. You can get overwhelmed or even dissociate if by yourself. So please assess the risk carefully.
The listener email is from someone who’s angry that a loved one attempted suicide, although there is also great compassion. She’s confused and afraid she doesn’t have the right to be angry.
Important Links:
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider has a special offer for you now!
You can hear more about emotional growth and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
In today’s SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to be talking about how to enrich your emotional life through self-compassion. So many people tell me that they don’t know how to begin to risk feelings that have been suppressed for years. But when you do, you expand the emotions available to you, and enrich your own emotional life. I gave some basics in Episode 102 – so there are other ideas there as well. Today, i offer one simple exercise or visualization for you to try that might open an emotional door for you.
There’s always the caveat when I’m talking about reaching out to deeper feelings.That caveat is that trauma work – risking feeling emotions that are a result of trauma or abuse – often needs to be done with a trauma expert. You can get overwhelmed or even dissociate if by yourself. So please assess the risk carefully.
The listener email is from someone who’s angry that a loved one attempted suicide, although there is also great compassion. She’s confused and afraid she doesn’t have the right to be angry.
Important Links:
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider has a special offer for you now!
You can hear more about emotional growth and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
Depression can steal your sense of vitality. Your "get up and go" or your motivation to reach goals that mean something to you can disappear. It's called anhedonia -- basically the lack of pleasure in (or motivation for) activities that used to mean something to you or to try on new challenges.
But you don't have to be depressed for this to happen. Plain old insecurity can morph into passivity. And the dream of attaining certain goals can seem so far out of reach that you don't know how to become who you want to be.
Enter the "as if" technique. In this repeat episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, Dr. Margaret will outline four basic steps that can guide you to find your motivation and make the changes possible that have seemed out of reach. And she gives both tangible and more intangible examples of how to make the progress you want to make.
The listener email for this week describes the pain that a mother or father can have if their child appears to have a volatile personality disorder. Can you have some kind of relationship with someone with BPD? It's one of the most asked questions in the emails Dr. Margaret receives as there is so much pain involved.
Important Links:
Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product with your subscription!
You can hear more about creating change and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!