Here we are on the cusp of 2022! And many of you will be trying once again to have a New Years resolution. I'm not a huge fan of those but building self-confidence would certainly be a worthy one! In this second time around for this episode, as my team and I take a break during the holidays, I'll tell the story again about a patient who'd begun to find her own self-confidence when she said, “I realized that what I needed - I’d had all along. It’s like the ruby red slippers. You simply have to know their power and your own power.”
I wasn't able to forget that analogy. We all have the capacity to learn, to understand, to see and to have confidence in ourselves - but we can sabotage and discount our strengths, values, talents, and gut feelings. In this episode, I decided to trust my own red slippers in this episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, and allow my own mind and heart to create a list of ten things that can build self-confidence - and with humility I bring it to you.
The listener email is from a man who writes that he’s begun having symptoms of anxiety and panic at a time when he and his wife are having troubles and she wants a separation. What would you say?
Important Links:
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
Important Links:
Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
This is our second "Second Time Around" SelfWork episode as the team takes the holidays off (and I work on Book #2!) I loved this series on the most recent research on depression and what it indicates are the diverse potential sources or "reasons" for someone to experience depression. These episodes were first recorded in 2019 so the information was the newest I could find then... What I will say is that the research I've seen since have been further evidence that depression is NOT simply a chemical imbalance. I'll also reference a recent conversation I had with neuroscientist Dr. Caroline Leaf as to her most recent research and what it shows, as well as another episode that feature the most recent findings in gut research and what it has to do with depression as well! You can click on those links for even more information!
In this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens or AG1, we’ll focus on the non-neurological things that have a tremendous influence on whether or not you could become depressed — specifically stress, trauma, medical illnesses and medications themselves. I’m again using a very well-written article by a team at Harvard as a guide.And I throw in some of my own observations and thoughts. And as always, there’s a focus on treatment — or what you can do about it.
This listener’s question is a poignant one. She and her husband have been booted out of her daughter’s life, who seems to have a history of significant emotional problems and is in therapy. So the question is how this mother could approach this very painful estrangement from her daughter as she wonders if the therapy itself is encouraging this behavior.
Important links:
Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!
Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!
Episode 091 on decreasing stress through mindfulness
SelfWork Episode 109 on the use of a timeline
You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to this website and receive her weekly blog posts and podcasts!
If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
This is our first "Second Time Around" SelfWork episode as we take the holidays off (and I work on Book #2!) I loved this series on the most recent research on depression and what it indicates are the diverse potential sources or "reasons" for someone to experience depression. This was first recorded in 2019 so the information was the newest I could find then... What I will say is that the research I've seen since have been further evidence that depression is NOT simply a chemical imbalance. I'll also reference a recent conversation I had with neuroscientist Dr. Caroline Leaf as to her most recent research and what it shows, as well as another episode that feature the most recent findings in gut research and what it has to do with depression as well! You can click on those links for even more information!
Our listener email today is from someone who actually saw me many years ago, and she asks a question about her marriage and her unhappiness within it, “Does everyone who’s married have an escape plan?”
This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp! You hope you think about starting the new year off with getting another trained perspective of what you might be facing - and why positive change might be eluding you.
Important Links:
Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to this website and receive her weekly blog posts and podcasts!
If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
.
Here’s the graphic from the Harvard article:
Figure 1: Areas of the brain affected by depression
Amygdala: The amygdala is part of the limbic system, a group of structures deep in the brain that’s associated with emotions such as anger, pleasure, sorrow, fear, and sexual arousal. The amygdala is activated when a person recalls emotionally charged memories, such as a frightening situation. Activity in the amygdala is higher when a person is sad or clinically depressed. This increased activity continues even after recovery from depression. Thalamus: The thalamus receives most sensory information and relays it to the appropriate part of the cerebral cortex, which directs high-level functions such as speech, behavioral reactions, movement, thinking, and learning. Some research suggests that bipolar disorder may result from problems in the thalamus, which helps link sensory input to pleasant and unpleasant feelings. Hippocampus: The hippocampus is part of the limbic system and has a central role in processing long-term memory and recollection. Interplay between the hippocampus and the amygdala might account for the adage “once bitten, twice shy.” It is this part of the brain that registers fear when you are confronted by a barking, aggressive dog, and the memory of such an experience may make you wary of dogs you come across later in life. The hippocampus is smaller in some depressed people, and research suggests that ongoing exposure to stress hormone impairs the growth of nerve cells in this part of the brain. |
One more important link:
The Mayo Clinic article on a genetic test to help determine which medications would be best for you.
Today, I wanted to take the time before 2021 ends to answer a few more or your email questions. Your questions are so good, it’s hard not to answer them all! Today’s subjects are enmeshment, developing feelings for your therapist, maternal sexual abuse, and getting multiple forms of therapy at once – all great topics in and of themselves.
So, lots of diversity in this episode sponsored by Athletic Greens, or AG1 - and they have a special offer for SelfWork listeners that you can click below!
Important Links:
Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!
Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!
You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
Through a series of candid interviews with women from several countries, including Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and Bahrain who have faced the difficult consequences of a lack of legislation. Being jailed for expressing their opinions on social media, receiving inheritances that are a fraction of those given to their brothers, having their children abducted—legally—by their husbands and suffering physical and emotional abuse with little chance for protection from the courts, these women, like countless others in their region, have faced dire circumstances..“To be a woman is a gift,” Kanoo writes. “We give birth to future generations. We give love unconditionally. And we face unique daily challenges and adversity with grace, strength, and courage. This is universal. Hear us speak.”
Important Links:
Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
Link to Hear Us Speak
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my websiteand receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
Perhaps one of the most complex concepts in mental health is the concept of choice. More specifically, there’s a huge and dramatic debate over the idea that someone “chooses” depression or anxiety. I myself have panic disorder as many of you know and it riles me up a bit to hear from someone that I chose at one point in my life to shake and sweat, for my heart to race as if I’m facing a monster – when it was simply my turn to introduce myself at a meeting. So on today's SelfWork, sponsored by Athletic Greens, we’re going to try to have a reasonable look at choice - choice theory, positive psychology and just how far you should go with the concept of choice in mental health issues and especially, trauma.
The listener email today is from a woman who says that she’s dissociated often since childhood and the habit or the tendency is now getting in her way of staying in the present especially when she’s with family. And she picks her nails when she dissociates so that maybe there’s a clue there!
Important Links:
Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!
Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!
APA's article on Choice Theory
TalkSpace article on positive psychology
Martin Seligman's TED Talk on positive psychology
Carol Kauffman's article in the Harvard Mental Health Letter on how to integrate positive psychology into more traditional therapy
Cleveland Clinic's article on depersonalization/derealization disorder
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
As a therapist, I’ve been honored by many to try to help them work through their grief. And it can be raw, cutting off someone’s ability to breathe deeply or feel like they’re even breathing at all. Or want to. But when I met met Leslie Streeter, I knew I had to have her on SelfWork. Her story, told with candor, humor and grit, is about her husband Scott's death when suddenly she was thrust into being a single mom while trying to cope with life and grief.
Leslie Gray Streeter is an author, veteran journalist and speaker. whose memoir “Black Widow,” was published in March 2020 by Little, Brown and Company. Until recently, she was the longtime entertainment and lifestyle columnist and writer for the Palm Beach Post. A native of Baltimore, Md and a University of Maryland graduate, she and her work have been featured in The Washington Post, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, The Seattle Times, The Atlantic, The Today show, SiriusXM, O, The Oprah Magazine and more. She lives with her son Brooks and her mother Tina in her hometown of Baltimore, which she moved back to last summer. She’s a slow runner, an amateur vegan cook and a true crime and “Law and Order” enthusiast.
You can see her light and spirit in her Today Show interview. This certainly wasn't the life that she could've possibly imagined. And yet, she's made it work. And she's written a book that makes her husband come alive.
Why am I offering this conversation now? Because in entering the holiday season, not only am I aware of millions of people around the world, and almost 800,000 people here in the US who have died from Covid. So each one of those people had families and friends, coworkers and neighbors who are grieving their absence. I wanted to offer to them the story of someone who got through – who has moved forward with her grief.
So in this episode of SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, it's my honor to introduce you to Leslie Streeter.
Important Links:
Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my websiteand receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
It’s confession time here at SelfWork. People ask me all the time, “How do you have time for writing?” Or, “How do you come up with ideas?” Well, yesterday I was hitting a blank wall for this episode today. I’d start writing and then figure out I’d already written on the topic. Or I’d start something and talk myself out of it. But then, I decided to do something I did when I was writing the book and hit just as big a wall, if not bigger. And I’ll offer a dozen things for you to do when you hit your own brick wall.
What are a few of those? Acceptance, not catastrophizing or panicking, looking for reasons or a context as to why this particular task or mental problem has so much power, giving yourself emotional space when you're anxious or irritable. You'll have to listen to find out more!
I’m always grateful to hear from any of you who write or leave a voicemail. But this voicemail came in last week – and the listener was talking about an interview that I did with Lewis Howes a couple of years ago where he saw another side of me. I know just the interview he’s talking about and will have a clip of that for you in the show notes and the link as well. I was very grateful for his feedback!
So in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, let’s talk about hitting the proverbial wall – what does it mean when your mind goes blank, when you “run out of ideas”, you can’t seem to find your focus or even the meaning in what you’re doing.
Important Links:
Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!
My interview with Lewis Howes on The School of Greatness
Huffpost article on mental obstacles of runners
And here's the clip if you'd like to see!
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My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is going strong and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
I have a request to make – and I fully realize how difficult it might be for some of you to consider this. So my request is made very respectfully..
I am writing a second book about the potential dangers of destructive perfectionism, of suppressed emotional pain, of hidden depression – and at its worst and most cruel, how those secrets and despair can lead someone to take their life - leaving others behind to wonder what was so intolerable. And how they didn’t have a clue that anything was wrong. I’m reaching out to you who may have loved someone who died by suicide – and their life looked not only perfectly normal, but even highly successful.
.What I’m asking, for any of you who feel able and ready, is to email me with the stories of your loved ones who died by suicide. Most suicides are shocking of course, although some may occur in the midst of chronic and deepening depression, an illness that feels intolerable or a huge loss of some kind. Those are important stories, but aren’t the ones I would like to feature in the book. The stories that will help this book come alive are the stories of your son or your daughter, your friend or your spouse, your mom or your dad – who killed themselves in the midst of what looked like a very successful and happy life.
If you’re interested or can see your way through to do this, my email is askdrmargaret@drmargaretrutherford.com. Please put “book” in the subject line so I’ll be alerted immediately what it’s about.
I thank you ahead of time. And again, am asking with all due respect, knowing that a conversation with me might bring up pain for you. But hopefully, it might also bring a sense of meaning. Maybe your story and your loved ones’ story could help someone else.
In today’s episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, I want to talk about borderline personality disorder, but in a different way than I have before on SelfWork. I’ve mostly written about what it’s like to try to love someone with a serious personality disorder, like narcissism or borderline personality disorders. But today, I want to talk about what it’s like to have borderline traits – and the fears and struggles that come with it. I"ll use two women's stories from my own practice and the work of Rosie Cappuccino, author of Talking About BPD. We'll touch on the differences between borderline and bipolar disorders, and also discuss how the diagnosis of borderline can bring with it judgment from not only the general public, but from the mental health profession.
The listener voicemail for today comes from a woman who describes that she has a wonderful life – and that she’s troubled or haunted or saddened or feels guilty (that’s a little unclear) for not loving her mother. And frankly, not even liking her. We’ll talk about her question – and I’ll try to answer as best I can.
Important Links:
Rosie Cappucino's book on having borderline issues.
Rosie Cappucino's blog excerpt/ Talking About BPD
List of BPD traits from the Mayo Clinic
Episode 086 of SelfWork on loving someone with BPD
SelfWork Episode on nine ways to effectively communicate with someone with BPD
Difference between bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder
HuffPost article by Dr. Jay Watts
Today’s SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, is all about answering your questions. We’re going to talk about everything from fear of failure (I'll talk about navigating my own failures) to negative forecasting (aka "catastrophizing" (to identifying depression when it’s been all you can remember to what’s termed maladaptive daydreaming. I learn a lot when I research your questions and this episode is full of our learning together.
Just yesterday I went to a play called Tiny Beautiful Things – a story about a woman named Sugar who writes an advice column. She mostly uses her own life, which had been hard, as the basis for her answers. I was reminded by how much trust you demonstrate in me to ask me a question. And I’m honored more than you know.
Important Links:
Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my websiteand receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
There are some people who are both humble and brilliant and Dr. Caroline Leaf is one of those people. She's a world renowned Neuroscientist, mental health and mind expert, bestselling author of Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess and host of Cleaning Up The Mental Mess podcast. In this episode, we have a fascinating conversation about the mind-brain connection and how this plays into mental health, how our minds differ from our brains - and why learning the difference is important for self-regulation and SelfWork.
Dr. Leaf also teaches listeners how to foster and cultivate the power of their own thinking and direct their own brain changes by providing a simple five-step roadmap to create sustainable, true change. Her technique, what she calls mind-management, helps facilitate talk between the conscious, the subconscious, and the nonconscious mind. And she’s definitely into “what you can do about it.” Dr. Leaf defines five steps that, when followed closely, can get brainwaves flowing in a healthy way, optimizing brain function.
So, in this episode sponsored by AG1, please sit back and listen in to what I hope will be eye-opening to all of you. Dr. Leaf wants you to know that your brain isn't broken when you're depressed - and it's so important to know that you're not broken either.
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my websiteand receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
Today, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to focus on what psychologists call "a solid sense of self" - which is a little jargonistic for me. First we'll touch on the huge difference between codependence and interdependence, with the latter being so important in the development of trust and cooperation. Then we'll move onto the issue of hanging on to your sense of "being you" while in a relationship. You certainly don't do that in a codependent relationship but you can in an interdependent one. And to make it even more accessible, I've broken down this whole solid sense of self concept into five components.
- Know what you value about yourself - your strengths - and claim these competencies with humility.
- Use your voice to state what you think , what you expect and what you want - and then to compromise.
- Expect others to respect your boundaries.
- Take responsibility for your own vulnerabilities and the impact they might have on others.
- Seek relationships where you have the opportunity to learn to trust and to be trusted.
The listener voicemail is a painful one to hear. And difficult because I don’t have a really great answer. I can certainly hear how the listener is watching someone he loves emotionally suffer – yet the situation he describes doesn’t seem to be one he can control. I’ll try to suggest to him what he does have in his control… as little as that may seem.
Important Links:
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
Article in VeryWellMind on interdependence
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my websiteand receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
We’re going to talk about what I term a "trilogy of trouble" today, or basically how jealousy, envy and possessiveness can sabotage a relationship or commitment. This can happen in personal as well as professional relationships, but we're mostly focused on personal aspects of the trio of trouble. Jealousy can emerge from fear and it can emerge from resentment. So, how do you tell if it's justified or completely unjustified? We'll talk about that and more, such as how you can learn from these feelings if you don't react to them and act in hurtful ways. In fact, we're going to hear from fellow psychologist and podcaster Nick Wignall, another psychologist and podcaster about how the "story" you tell yourself about your feelings can exponentially increase the likelihood of creating more chaos.
The listener voicemail is about forgiveness of someone who’s cut you out of an inheritance – one that sounds as if it could’ve been fairly large. We don't know a lot of facts, so I'll answer her question with some guesses, but three general directions she could go to choose to forgive, or not to forgive.
This episode is further sponsored by Athletic Greens, who has a new product (AG1) and a new way of making both your life and the lives of others work better as well!
Important Links
An article on the psychology of jealousy by Joe Duncan
Excellent research by Mark Attridge on jealousy
Nick Wignall's website and post on jealousy
You can hear more about relationships and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
Today's You Get the Gist is a short bow to my own aging process - as today is my birthday! It became clear to me last week that when someone is using such figures as Colonel Sanders to encourage you to keep on keeping on - something has shifted! lolol.. So I looked for stories of very cool people that had done just that - and I found the awe-inspiring Virginia Oliver as my next role model. Here's her story and a poem I love, written by Scottish poet Jenny Joseph when she was only 29 years of age. I've always loved it and hold it now even closer to my heart.
Warning
By Jenny Joseph
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people’s gardens
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
Important Links:
And the link to Jenny's poem Warning...
You can hear more about many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
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I truly can't express how I feel about SelfWork being alive and well and celebrating its 5th anniversary! I couldn't do it without the listeners, the commenters, those who've emailed, those who've left ratings and reviews, those who listen week after week - or those of you who drop in from time to time. All of you are important, in fact vital. I’ve never experienced anything like it. And I hopefully humbly want to thank you for showing up.
Some weeks are hard than others to pull together an episode. Each one of them takes anywhere from 4 to 6 hours to write and then time to record, send to John Crowley, my audio engineer, for editing. Then he sends it back to me. And I listen again. Then Christine Mathias, my go-to person for so much makes the graphic – sometimes edits what I write for the show notes. Reminds me of some scheduling issue or another. Gets the episodes in the weekly newsletter. Sends that out. It’s a true team effort. And I’m so lucky to have these talented people on that team.
I thought it would be fun for y’all to hear from them – the guys themselves – John Crowley and Christine Mathias… You will hear their hearts as well… And of course, a huge thank you to our sponsors, BetterHelp and Athletic Greens. Their support has made the podcast much easier and hopefully, both companies have helped you find a better, healthier way to live. So, let's celebrate together! Happy 5th Anniversary!!
Welcome to a difficult episode of SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp. First of all, I need to state a trigger/content warning for anyone listening who was forced manipulatively, physically or sexually into a sexual relationship with a parent or grandparent.
I’ve done an episode on sibling sexual abuse and received a lot of feedback, thanking me for explaining the feelings associated with being molested by a brother or sister. Today, we’re going to widen the discussion to familial incest, and will focus on when a parent sexualizes the relationship they have a with a child. I’ll use the case histories of people I’ve worked with, both women and men, to describe what happened to them, and how they’ve come to understand and heal their very deep wounds of never feeling safe or loved for who they were, but for what they could “do” or were forced to do for a parent, a grandparent, an aunt or an uncle. – literally being treated like an object there to be controlled and manipulated.
The international sexual abuse hotline links can be found below in your show notes.
Today’s listener email is from a listener who’s identified with borderline personality disorder and who's struggling with self-forgiveness.
Important Links:
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
RAINN statistics on incest and sexual abuse
A SelfWork episode on confronting your abuser
Melissa Bradley-Ball, sexual abuse expert, speaking on healing from abuse
SelfWork episode on self-forgiveness
If you’ve been abused, there are several excellent books that might help you. “The Courage To Heal” by Laura Davis and “Waking The Tiger” by Peter Levine are two classics. Many rape crisis centers also run free groups for victims, as do individual counselors. There are chat groups on Twitter — use the hashtag #CSA. Child Abuse Hotlines can be found here.
International Abuse Hotlines
https://www.childhelplineinternational.org/child-helplines/child-helpline-network/
https://www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html
https://victimconnect.org/resources/national-hotlines/
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my websiteand receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
Today I want to focus on the confusion that anyone can have about what's causing their depression. And the important question is, "Is it me or is it my relationship?" The episode is in answer to an email I received from a 20-something listener but is a confusing problem for many. They write, “I would love to not receive a solution, but just gain some perspective on what you believe would be wise for me to do.” Well, that’s good because I’m not sure I can offer a solution. But I’ll see what research says and add my input.
Today’s listener email is also about relationships and regaining trust. The listener writes, “Everything I wanted is now mine.” But she’s struggling with resentment after her husband had an affair. So in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens (now known as AG1!) , we’ll be focusing on relationships and the hurdles that many face within them. Welcome as always to SelfWork!
Important Links:
Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!
An early SelfWork podcast on healing after an affair and regaining trust
Psychology Today article on the "seven year itch"
You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to Dr. Margaret’s podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to this website and receive her weekly blog posts and podcasts!
If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available! And you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
Ashley Stahl is a counterterrorism professional turned career coach, spokesperson, and author of the bestselling book, You Turn: Get Unstuck, Discover Your Direction, Design Your Dream Career. Through her two viral TEDx speeches, her online courses, and her podcast, the You Turn Podcast, she’s been able to support clients in 31 countries in discovering their best career path, upgrading their confidence, and landing more job offers. She maintains a monthly career column in Forbes, and her work has been also featured in outlets such as The Wall Street Journal, CBS, SELF, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, and more.
Those are the facts about Ashley Stahl. But let me tell you what it’s like to talk with her. She’s quick, bright, compassionate – quick to laugh. And her advice and guidance about choosing a career or moving into a career that’s not necessarily about your passion, but uses your core values, skills and very nature – where your particular brand of of energy can have the chance to be naturally expressed every day and bring you fulfillment – is refreshing to hear. Her book isn’t a checklist of to-do’s about getting the perfect job for you – but is chock-full of personal stories that give her message context and power. I changed careers in my late 20’s and it took nine years to do so but was so very worth that time. I wish I’d had her book as I realize I stumbled around looking for the direction she provides.
So now, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, please listen into some of the best advice I’ve ever heard about how to find a career that not only fits you, but keeps you growing. I invite you to meet Ashley Stahl.
Other Important Links:
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
My course about facing depression on Himalaya.
CEYou! Course for clinicians on The Hidden Potential for Suicide
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my websiteand receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
Many people these days are on an SSRI, a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor. Like Lexapro. Or Prozac. But there is some danger that needs mostly to be known to be prevented. There's a condition called serotonin syndrome, where you have too much serotonin in your system, that can be very dangerous. It doesn't happen that often, but you need to know the symptoms and catch it before it wreaks true danger. So on today's SelfWork YGTG, we'll define what it is and what you should do if you, or someone you love, experiences it.
Important Links:
Article I took most of this information from (as well as my clinical experience...).
You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to Dr. Margaret’s podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to this website and receive her weekly blog posts and podcasts!
If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available! And you can orderhere! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
This is the 250th episode of SelfWork. And frankly, I'm amazed. So, that made me wonder... where does willpower come from? Can you learn to have more willpower? What makes something worth sacrificing for? What can cause you to forego immediate gratification for something where you’ll obtain or earn or enjoy something in the future? Is it your “fault” if you struggle with willpower? If you’ve listened before to SelfWork, you can probably guess that I don’t believe that.. nor has that been my experience as a therapist. Yet I know there are many who walk around shaming themselves for not having “enough” willpower.
So, in this episode sponsored once again by Athletic Greens, we'll talk about what the most recent research says about willpower, and how it debunks some old ideas about where it comes from. And perhaps the most important message? A struggle with willpower is not a moral failing.
The listener email is from a woman who found herself within the traits of perfectly hidden depression and wanted to let me know what that had helped her see – and asked about conquering the anxiety of opening up.
Important Links:
Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product with your subscription!
The APA article on the research about willpower
The controversy about willpower research and what studies show about people with self-control.
You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to Dr. Margaret’s podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to this website and receive her weekly blog posts and podcasts!
If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available! And you can orderhere! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
Today we’re focused on how on the power of words can calm or basically how to self-soothe. I stopped to think about “soothers” with words in our culture , such as Mister Rogers, Aibileen Clark from the movie The Help, and even more recently and comically, Ted Lasso. What they did or do reminds us of what we can do to calm ourselves. Dr. Dan Siegel, a psychiatrist, author, researcher and integrative neurobiologist coined the phrase “Name it to tame it.” And watching his YouTube videos on how our nervous systems work together to achieve calm is fascinating. I'll do my best to demonstrate his model of the brain so you can see for yourself!
Our listener email is from someone who has gained a lot from SelfWork – always something that makes me smile – but can’t stop worrying about the cancel culture that has arrived – suddenly you’re simply not around anymore or important or valued – because of what can seem like immediate and complete social rejection.
So thanks so much for joining me on this episode of SelfWork – graciously sponsored by BetterHelp – and you’ll hear a wonderful offer from them just because you’re a SelfWork listener.
Important Links:
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
YouTube Video of Dr. Dan Siegel demonstrating the "hand brain"
Dr. Dan Siegel article about Mister Rogers
New York Post article on cancel culture
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my websiteand receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
This episode is my response to a review that was left on SelfWork this week. They write, “Thank you for taking the time to make this podcast. I’ve tried therapy at least five times in the last ten years for anxiety, depression and grief. I could never stick with therapy. But since discovering your podcast and binging on the episodes that resonate, I feel much more confident about taking on therapy and more modern treatments, and much more informed. “
So, on this episode of SelfWork sponsored by Athletic Greens, we'll focus on why you might tend to quit therapy – or at least the reasons you give. And my recommendation is to think through the "why" of your desire to leave the relationship. This issue may be more complicated than first thought.
Tied in with that, what are the roles therapists can play? Or what are the different structures for therapy? If you know these roles, you’ll walk into the relationship realizing all it could be – and make sure you and your therapist are headed in the direction that you understand and believe could be helpful.
The listener email is short and sweet.. and has to do with getting over “hard feelings.” I appreciated this question in its simplicity. Hard feelings are something that can stick around for a. long time and cause the feeler of them much more harm that whoever they’re toward. Or whatever they’re about. So, I can’t wait to dig into that one.
Important Links:
Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product with your subscription!
And join me for a real chat - you and me talking! Click here and request permission to access Fireside!
A wonderful article by Ms. Griffith and Good Therapy on five reasons for quitting therapy. I used this article as part of the scaffolding for my own comments and it's a great article.
You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to Dr. Margaret’s podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to this website and receive her weekly blog posts and podcasts!
If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available! And you can orderhere! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
When I was a kid, I went to a Presbyterian church every Sunday and grew up there. Sunday School, church, youth group – the whole program. That’s not the subject for this episode, however. The topic today is self-forgiveness. Why did I bring up my church memories? Because I was very thoughtful about the whole thing, and remember asking my mother this question: “How can I hear me knocking on God’s door?” This innocent question was based on the scripture, “Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door will be opened to you.” I was curious about just how I was going to know that door was opening if I couldn’t even hear myself knock.
I now realize our own beliefs are found in our inner mind and heart – we “know” them, but they aren’t concrete. We “hear” them inside our own thoughts and feelings.
We feel and know love. We feel and know sorrow. And we feel and know or recognize self-forgiveness. It happens inwardly. You can’t see it – but you can sure feel it. So in this episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll talk about how to get to self-forgiveness and seven things that might make that harder.
Our listener email is from someone who’s very depressed and estranged from her family. She asks me what she can do… What would you say?
Important Links:
BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!
A well-written article from VeryWellMind on the four steps toward self-forgiveness
A new exciting way to interact with me on Fireside! Let's get talking! Just click here!
You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my websiteand receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!
Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
Every day I receive a bunch of emails from publicists, publishing houses, or teachers on every subject you could think of to suggest either themselves or their client to be a guest on SelfWork. It's a flattering problems to have. But some are very unique, like this one from LinkedIn's Scott Shute.
"Hi Dr. Margaret, I hope this finds you in the middle of a smile."
That got my attention.
Scott has had a diverse career, but now leads LinkedIn's Mindfulness and Compassion Programs, which he describes as a rare and growing field. I was very curious! His book, The Full Body Yes, was just released in May of 2021 and I enjoyed his very story-driven style, often using his own life as an example of what and what not to do. He focuses on building compassion in the workplace, and as always, we talk about what you can do about it in your own work environment. Scott would say that "it starts with you" - that you don't have to have any programs to learn how to build your own real sense of compassion.
So I’m delighted today to introduce you to Scott Shute on this 246th episode of SelfWork, sponsored by Athletic Greens.
Important Links:
Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product with your subscription!
The Full Body Yes on Amazon by Scott Shute
You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to Dr. Margaret’s podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to this website and receive her weekly blog posts and podcasts!
If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available! And you can orderhere! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!