Today my editor, graphic designer and general "auxiliary brain" Christine Mathias, has chosen her favorite podcast. It's all about self-soothing and Mister Rogers came to mind! And we look at the neurobiology of "calm," featuring work by Dr. Dan Siegel, a psychiatrist, author, researcher and integrative neurobiologist who coined the phrase, “Name it to tame it.”

Our listener email is from someone who has gained a lot from SelfWork – always something that makes me smile – but who can’t stop worrying about the cancel culture that has arrived. Suddenly you’re simply not around anymore or important or valued, because of what can seem like immediate and complete social rejection.

Important Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

YouTube Video of Dr. Dan Siegel demonstrating the "hand brain"

Dr. Dan Siegel article about Mister Rogers

New York Post article on cancel culture.

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Today's episode has been chosen by my audio engineer and producer, John Crowley, as one of this favorite episodes which earns the status of "good enough for a second time around" slot. And boy, does shame cause problems.

People often come into therapy saying things like, “I’m afraid I’m wasting your time, “ or, “I don’t know why I can’t pull myself together, “ Or, “If I believed in my faith and God enough, I wouldn’t be here. But because I am, I’ve failed.”

I know – without a doubt – I’m listening to shame talking.

Here are the ten most common birthplaces of shame you've never deserved... but carried with you. And it's time to challenge any voices that tell you differently.

• You were treated like an object through physical or sexual abuse.
• You were neglected and your most basic needs were intentionally unmet.
• You were valued only for external attributes or achievements, not for who you were.
• You were put on a pedestal or smothered, so you lack a sense of true security in yourself. Instead, you could “do no wrong.”
• You were put in charge as a child, did the best you could, but ultimately felt as if you failed.
• You were pulled into adult conflicts/dynamics that you couldn’t fix.
• What hurt you was invalidated or you feared rejection if you revealed your true self.
• You weren’t allowed to want/be/talk/think differently than your parents.
• You grew up in a family where nothing made rational sense and rules were always changing.
• You were compared negatively to others.

The listener voicemail is from someone who’s been diagnosed with Bp 1, 2, and then BPD, and has become overly reclusive. But what may be a major impediment to becoming more successful professionally and personally is his tendency to take what others say too personally – and building a wall of resentment toward them.. At the same time, he has friends and family who are supportive – so what’s going wrong?

Vital Links:

Here's the link to my course Perfectly Hidden Addiction on April 5, 2023 at 9:00 CST! Great for CE but also for information!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

And Click this link to try out some of the most potent CBD out there (And the best bang for your buck!) ! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!

Excellent article on 17 shaming states children hear in shame-based families by Doran Lamb

BetterHelp''s extremely helpful article illustrating how to find a Certified DBT Therapist

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Photo by Mathias Reding.

I recently posted about a study group I was doing on my personal FB page and somewhat apologetically explained that I was mixing professional with personal. I received an almost immediate response from a friend who said, “You love what you do so much, I don’t think there’s much of a line between the two.” And I had to laugh. She was right.

But then I came across an article that quoted recent research showing something surprising – that traditional beliefs had assumed that overwork led to depression and anxiety. Made sense, right? But now, researchers are finding that the opposite can be true – that people who are already depressed of anxious seek out work for distraction. So today, we’re going to be talking about work addiction, what might lead away from someone’s work schedule becoming destructive, and what kinds of things you can build into your life to help you curb your appetite for work.

The listener voicemail is from someone who describes herself as experiencing depression while others around her remind her to feel grateful and she senses they believe she’s wrapped up in self-pity. She says in her voicemail, “I feel guilty for feeling guilty for feeling guilty…”. So is going through a huge guilt cycle. We’ll focus on how to get out of that cycle. Again, as always, what can you do about it?

Vital Links: 

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Article on The  Good Men Project on the basic signs of work addiction.

An article from The Atlantic on practical solutions to workaholism

Forbes article on the relationship between suicide and the work environment

Countries experimenting with the four-day work week

Harry Miller's story

The Meadows three steps toward challenging work addiction

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression, which is coming out in the spring in German, is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Real motherhood can certainly seem like you're trudging your way through a jungle of fears, exhaustion, and confusion - so why is it still portrayed as "easy" or "natural"? Author Annaliese Lawton's new book, Welcome To The Jungle, explores her own emotional turmoil associated with maternity coupled with life's daily struggles. Lawton is a small-town mom whose literary journey began when her Facebook post on motherhood and mental health went viral. Her post was translated in seven different languages, accumulated 80,000 shares, six million views, and eventually landed Lawton a book deal. Filled with unfiltered thoughts and perspectives on womanhood, Welcome to the Jungle isn’t just another parenting book on the highs and lows of motherhood, it will encourage conversations about topics on maternal mental health, marriage, and wellness. Lawton shares, “To say the book is about motherhood is really an underestimation. Motherhood is the backdrop against which the real story unfolds."

And thanks once again to our great sponsor for this episode, Athletic Greens!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

This month we’ve been talking about relationships.This week I heard Andrew Solomon speak about his book Far from the Tree – when parents have a child that has some kind of difference from them, and they struggle not to see that difference as a problem or something that needs to be fixed. I found his ideas fascinating – the relationship between parents and children – and how love is far different than acceptance. And how we as adults (or children) can struggle with not feeling acceptance from family but can discover it in social acceptance. So, let’s dig into that topic a bit today and I'll add in my own ideas as we go.

The listener email is from a mental health professional who tried to hide from her own depression for several reasons – but isn’t now. She’s kind enough to attribute that to my book and podcast. I’ll tell her story and share some of her thoughts and hope that for any of you out there who feel that you simply cannot talk about yourself or your struggles with any transparency, that you’ll pause and think about that for a second.

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Andrew Solomon's interview with Big Think on the difference between love and acceptance

interview with  Dr. Adam Hill here on SelfWork!

Today we’re focusing on what mental or emotional issues are connected with being drawn into relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, missing the warning signs that others might sense or see. We’ll briefly cover the different types of narcissism; you can find lists that include anything from four to seven subtypes but we’ll keep it simple. And then, we’ll venture into the “why” – why might you not recognize such a manipulative and potentially emotionally abusive pattern? Here’s a huge hint. What you live as a child becomes your normal, even if it’s far from healthy or even truly normal. It’s what you experience – so that’s your normal. And you can bring that definition into your adulthood as you seek out relationships.

The listener email is from a married woman who explains that her husband demands that they remain in a non-sexually-intimate relationship – or a dating relationship -  so that he can fall back in love with her. But this has lasted twenty years! is it emotionally manipulative or could she married to someone who is more comfortable with a sexless marriage – and that could be driving this dynamic? I’ll offer my ideas..

Six Factors That Could Blind You to Narcissistic Manipulation

• You don't label abuse... as abuse.
• You're accustomed to rigid rules or control in your family or culture.
• You don't claim your own worth because you were not loved well.
• You take LOTS of responsibility; in fact, too much.
• You're not street smart or you're naīve.
• You chose to ignore your gut and instead, denied or discounted a clue that there was a problem and now, you feel stuck.

Vital Links: 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

VeryWell Health article on subtypes of narcissism.

New book by Katherine Schafler The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control

Article on loving a narcissist by Dr. Margaret

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

So much research and time and thought goes into romantic love. But what about platonic love – aka friendship? I loved Marisa Franco’s new book entitled Platonic and this interview is one of my favorites. I especially honor when she describes  friendships as being the relationships that are the steadiest your entire life. What you’re about to listen to is our conversation, with real, tangible, pragmatic steps to make friends and keep them. So if you struggle with that, this episode is for you! Or if you need reminding of how to maintain those friendships you enjoy, there's great advice there as well.

Here are three tips she offers and you can hear how grounded they are in reality:

• Initiate; don't wait for friendships – they don’t happen organically. You have to actively look for friends. They're not going to show up on your doorstep. Maybe you make them at work or at school. But other than that, you need to be on the lookout.
• Assume people like you. This may seem cocky but not really. Assuming you're liked gives you confidence and you're more likely to focus on letting others know what you like about them. Research calls this "the acceptance prophecy" and it works!
• You can’t just show up once; join a community that meets regularly. She calls this "the exposure effect" - you're more likely to make friends when you show up in each other's lives on a regular basis. And if the meeting is about something you're truly interested in, then that helps as well.

Vital Links:

 Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make--and Keep--Friends: - order her book today!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Seeming coincidences happen to me often, and again this week, something synergistic got my attention. First, I listened to the Invisibilia podcast where they actually featured another NPR podcast, a show called Life Kit. Dr. Amir Levine was interviewed, who’s an expert on attachment theory – and he spoke on how your attachment style can help and/or hinder you from being able to achieve emotional intimacy. At the same time, I received a deeply thought-out question in an email from a listener who was trying to figure out how her identification with perfectly hidden depression and a struggle with intimacy were connected. She stated that she had what’s called an “anxious avoidant” attachment style… So that pointed me to the very episode you’re going to hear today as we focus in February on relationships.

We'll cover the four different types of attachment styles, and how they are created in childhood.  As an adult, they influence what you seek in relationship, what you’re comfortable or secure with and what you’re not. But your style can also change - and that's what we'll focus on... what you can do about it.  You can also click on a link to a questionnaire in your show notes that’s free and you can determine what your own attachment style is currently!

Here's the link to the attachment questionnaire!  Click this link!

The featured email questions for today are also about PHD – one is how to talk about it with a therapist that you’re beginning to see – the second, “How do I know if my work on it is making a difference?” Great questions.

Other Vital Links: 

Mark Manson  on attachment styles

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression, which is coming out in the spring in German, is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Today we’re focusing on self-absorption – being highly preoccupied with your own concerns, your inner thoughts, or yourself in general. Depression can be viewed as an "implosion of the self" which creates self-absorption. I’m speaking of self-absorption not in a condescending or judgmental way, but as a way of helping the person who’s depressed, as well as the people who are trying to love them, to understand how two possible components of depression – anhedonia and apathy - can be perceived in relationships as self-centeredness or self-absorption. And, as always, what to do about it.

The listener voicemail this week is from a woman whose mother is always "one-upping" her, meaning her mom says she hurts more, or has accomplished more... the topic doesn't really matter. Her mother doesn't offer affirmation for her daughter, but remains in a weird kind of competition with her. And her daughter is very, very lonely.

Vital Links for Today! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

Article in Psychology Today by Dr. Leon Seltzer on self-absorption

The difference between anhedonia and apathy in depression

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

First of all, I cannot express how grateful I am to be back and to be healthy. Fear was very much a part of the weeks before my surgery. I had to realize and accept that I wasn’t in control of what might or might not happen. I was only in control of my response to those things. So that’s what I tried to focus on – how was I going to respond? But all has turned out very well... and I feel intense gratitude.

The topic for today was brought to my attention by a wonderful voice mail I got over the break. This listener asks about how to handle a strange sort of guilt she feels when she's not doing a purposeful activity and feeling confusion over what to say to someone who innocently asks, "Whatcha been doing?" After you haven't been doing anything much of importance.

We'll focus on three sources of this guilt: Self-reproach. Fear or anxiety about how you might be judged or perceived as lazy or incompetent. And last... "time anxiety" itself, which is anxiety over how you're spending your time - and how to quell that anxiety with one simple question. "How would I define 'time well-spent?'

Vital Links:

The Clockify Article on time anxiety

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Bob Waldinger's publicist used these words to describe him - "warm and humble."  That can be hard to find… and I knew I wanted him to be our guest here on SelfWork.

He has plenty of things he could crow about (as we’d say in Arkansas). He’s a Harvard  professor, 20-year director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development? And his TED Talk is one of the ten most popular of all time, with over 43 million views. What’s the Harvard study all about it? It’s the longest scientific study of happiness every conducted. Here’s what they say: “Radical for its time in 1938, this first -of-its-kind study is now in its 84^th year, with an 84% retention rate. Even JFK was a participant!

He’s understandably proud of the wide range of data the study has amassed through the years – as they wanted to focus on what keeps you healthy rather than what makes you sick. His new book came out three days ago – it’s called  THE GOOD LIFE.

It explains in detail:

• The most common misconceptions about happiness.
• What social fitness is and how to exercise it.
• How to understand the influence of your childhood on your adult relationships.
• What you’re likely getting wrong about achievement.
• The first step you can take if you want to live a good life.

We had a wonderful conversation – but not only do I hope you enjoy it, I hope that you’ll learn more about what will truly bring you happiness.

Bob Waldinger's publicist used these words to describe him - "warm and humble."  That can be hard to find… and I knew I wanted him to be our guest here on SelfWork.

He has plenty of things he could crow about (as we’d say in Arkansas). He’s a Harvard  professor, 20-year director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development? And his TED Talk is one of the ten most popular of all time, with over 43 million views. What’s the Harvard study all about it? It’s the longest scientific study of happiness every conducted. Here’s what they say: “Radical for its time in 1938, this first -of-its-kind study is now in its 84^th year, with an 84% retention rate. Even JFK was a participant!

He’s understandably proud of the wide range of data the study has amassed through the years – as they wanted to focus on what keeps you healthy rather than what makes you sick. His new book came out three days ago – it’s called  THE GOOD LIFE.

It explains in detail:

• The most common misconceptions about happiness.
• What social fitness is and how to exercise it.
• How to understand the influence of your childhood on your adult relationships.
• What you’re likely getting wrong about achievement.
• The first step you can take if you want to live a good life.

We had a wonderful conversation – but not only do I hope you enjoy it, I hope that you’ll learn more about what will truly bring you happiness.

Bob Waldinger's publicist used these words to describe him - "warm and humble."  That can be hard to find… and I knew I wanted him to be our guest here on SelfWork.

He has plenty of things he could crow about (as we’d say in Arkansas). He’s a Harvard  professor, 20-year director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development? And his TED Talk is one of the ten most popular of all time, with over 43 million views. What’s the Harvard study all about it? It’s the longest scientific study of happiness every conducted. Here’s what they say: “Radical for its time in 1938, this first -of-its-kind study is now in its 84^th year, with an 84% retention rate. Even JFK was a participant!

He’s understandably proud of the wide range of data the study has amassed through the years – as they wanted to focus on what keeps you healthy rather than what makes you sick. His new book came out three days ago – it’s called  THE GOOD LIFE.

It explains in detail:

• The most common misconceptions about happiness.
• What social fitness is and how to exercise it.
• How to understand the influence of your childhood on your adult relationships.
• What you’re likely getting wrong about achievement.
• The first step you can take if you want to live a good life.

We had a wonderful conversation – but not only do I hope you enjoy it, I hope that you’ll learn more about what will truly bring you happiness.

Hello everyone in 2023! I wanted to tell you all that my surgery went perfectly – and I’m getting back into gear! I cannot say how grateful I am without tearing up – and have so many thanks for the guest hosts that have filled in so far, Kimberley Quinlan, Lewis Howes and this week Ashley Stahl. Shauna Springer is coming on a week or two – and then I’ll be back!  I’ll be back live and kicking on January 20^th – a full week before I’d planned – and I can’t wait!

I want to tell you about two opportunities today to interface with me. First,  I’m going to be running a study group on the book Perfectly Hidden Depression – and it will be free – for my facebook group starting hopefully in February. Several of them had expressed that they were either stuck somewhere in the book or it was overwhelming to get started – so I want to lend my support. If you're interested, join my FB closed group here because that’s where all the communication about  the study group will be.  And you’d need to buy the book.

And here ‘s the second opportunity! Last fall, I was approached by a new app called Meomind. Their mission is to provide an online experience where users can hear sessions between real people and real therapists. What’s hoped is that you can hear very useful techniques and ideas from the therapists – and hear how the client is affected by seeing themselves from a different perspective. Yes, the clients are paid as are the therapists. And I was a little afraid it would be false-seeming. It is far from that. You can pick the topics you’re most interested in – and if you’ve ever wondered what being in therapy with me would be like – now you can find out! It has to be downloaded on an Android or Iphone. But again – it’s totally free – and you can find the two sessions I have on there now under that tab “New”.  I’ve loved being involved and hope you head over to Meomind. 

I have other ideas for this year and am filled with a new sense of purpose and drive. Thank you to all who have thought about me, prayed for me, and kept me in your heart! It has meant so very much.

Hello everyone in 2023! I wanted to tell you all that my surgery went perfectly – and I’m getting back into gear! I cannot say how grateful I am without tearing up – and have so many thanks for the guest hosts that have filled in so far, Kimberley Quinlan, Lewis Howes and this week Ashley Stahl. Shauna Springer is coming on a week or two – and then I’ll be back!  I’ll be back live and kicking on January 20^th – a full week before I’d planned – and I can’t wait!

I want to tell you about two opportunities today to interface with me. First,  I’m going to be running a study group on the book Perfectly Hidden Depression – and it will be free – for my facebook group starting hopefully in February. Several of them had expressed that they were either stuck somewhere in the book or it was overwhelming to get started – so I want to lend my support. If you're interested, join my FB closed group here because that’s where all the communication about  the study group will be.  And you’d need to buy the book.

And here ‘s the second opportunity! Last fall, I was approached by a new app called Meomind. Their mission is to provide an online experience where users can hear sessions between real people and real therapists. What’s hoped is that you can hear very useful techniques and ideas from the therapists – and hear how the client is affected by seeing themselves from a different perspective. Yes, the clients are paid as are the therapists. And I was a little afraid it would be false-seeming. It is far from that. You can pick the topics you’re most interested in – and if you’ve ever wondered what being in therapy with me would be like – now you can find out! It has to be downloaded on an Android or Iphone. But again – it’s totally free – and you can find the two sessions I have on there now under that tab “New”.  I’ve loved being involved and hope you head over to Meomind. 

I have other ideas for this year and am filled with a new sense of purpose and drive. Thank you to all who have thought about me, prayed for me, and kept me in your heart! It has meant so very much.

Hello everyone in 2023! I wanted to tell you all that my surgery went perfectly – and I’m getting back into gear! I cannot say how grateful I am without tearing up – and have so many thanks for the guest hosts that have filled in so far, Kimberley Quinlan, Lewis Howes and this week Ashley Stahl. Shauna Springer is coming on a week or two – and then I’ll be back!  I’ll be back live and kicking on January 20^th – a full week before I’d planned – and I can’t wait!

I want to tell you about two opportunities today to interface with me. First,  I’m going to be running a study group on the book Perfectly Hidden Depression – and it will be free – for my facebook group starting hopefully in February. Several of them had expressed that they were either stuck somewhere in the book or it was overwhelming to get started – so I want to lend my support. If you're interested, join my FB closed group here because that’s where all the communication about  the study group will be.  And you’d need to buy the book.

And here ‘s the second opportunity! Last fall, I was approached by a new app called Meomind. Their mission is to provide an online experience where users can hear sessions between real people and real therapists. What’s hoped is that you can hear very useful techniques and ideas from the therapists – and hear how the client is affected by seeing themselves from a different perspective. Yes, the clients are paid as are the therapists. And I was a little afraid it would be false-seeming. It is far from that. You can pick the topics you’re most interested in – and if you’ve ever wondered what being in therapy with me would be like – now you can find out! It has to be downloaded on an Android or Iphone. But again – it’s totally free – and you can find the two sessions I have on there now under that tab “New”.  I’ve loved being involved and hope you head over to Meomind. 

I have other ideas for this year and am filled with a new sense of purpose and drive. Thank you to all who have thought about me, prayed for me, and kept me in your heart! It has meant so very much.

Hello everyone in 2023! I wanted to tell you all that my surgery went perfectly – and I’m getting back into gear! I cannot say how grateful I am without tearing up – and have so many thanks for the guest hosts that have filled in so far, Kimberley Quinlan, Lewis Howes and this week Ashley Stahl. Shauna Springer is coming on a week or two – and then I’ll be back!  I’ll be back live and kicking on January 20^th – a full week before I’d planned – and I can’t wait!

I want to tell you about two opportunities today to interface with me. First,  I’m going to be running a study group on the book Perfectly Hidden Depression – and it will be free – for my facebook group starting hopefully in February. Several of them had expressed that they were either stuck somewhere in the book or it was overwhelming to get started – so I want to lend my support. If you're interested, join my FB closed group here because that’s where all the communication about  the study group will be.  And you’d need to buy the book.

And here ‘s the second opportunity! Last fall, I was approached by a new app called Meomind. Their mission is to provide an online experience where users can hear sessions between real people and real therapists. What’s hoped is that you can hear very useful techniques and ideas from the therapists – and hear how the client is affected by seeing themselves from a different perspective. Yes, the clients are paid as are the therapists. And I was a little afraid it would be false-seeming. It is far from that. You can pick the topics you’re most interested in – and if you’ve ever wondered what being in therapy with me would be like – now you can find out! It has to be downloaded on an Android or Iphone. But again – it’s totally free – and you can find the two sessions I have on there now under that tab “New”.  I’ve loved being involved and hope you head over to Meomind. 

I have other ideas for this year and am filled with a new sense of purpose and drive. Thank you to all who have thought about me, prayed for me, and kept me in your heart! It has meant so very much.

Ashley Stahl and I met when her book You Turn came out – and to prepare for her interview on SelfWork, not only did I read her book, I watched a couple of her TedTalks – yes she has two! And I thought her advice was solidly based on the importance of values in choosing a career.  I saw that she’d  established herself extremely well in the entrepreneurial world, giving career advice to many world wide – while at the same time, being very transparent and giving of herself. So I wanted to feature her and her work – so that SelfWork listeners could approach their professional lives more clearly.

Here's her actual bio:

Ashley Stahl is a counterterrorism professional turned career coach, an international bestselling author, a Fortune 500 spokesperson, and expert on intuition, personal branding, and fulfillment.  Daymond John (Shark Tank, Fubu, NYT bestselling author) says Ashley’s bestseller, You Turn: Get Unstuck, Discover Your Direction, Design Your Dream Career, is “the ultimate guide to discover your path in the workforce.”  Between her online courses, subscribers, and show “The You Turn Podcast,” (with 2M downloads), she’s been able to support clients in 78 countries in self-discovery, upgrading their confidence, and finding career fulfillment.

When I asked her to be a guest host, she energetically jumped right in – which was more than meaningful for me. And I loved listening to her episode! She’s going to share eleven what she calls “mindshifts” that have been vital for her to learn in 2022 and take now into 2023. Here’s a sneak peak into her list… she’s learned the difference between a “connection” and a true relationship – the first being highly seductive perhaps but the second holding within it security and consistency , which is so needed by us all. I’m honored she’s here – as I have been with all my guest hosts!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression, which is coming out in the spring in German, is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

2022 is coming to a close – and 2023 is on its way! So Happy New Year to all!

So today’s SelfWork episode turns the tables on me – as I’m being interviewed by Lewis Howes on his incredibly successful podcast, School of Greatness.

I listen almost every week to his interviews when I’m out walking, and learn so much from them. And since I was honored to be on (that story you can hear in last week’s episode…), I know what it feels like to talk with Lewis. He’s one of those people that can make you feel as if you’re the most interesting person he’s ever talked to – you know those kinds of people? He’s very approachable and even with all of his success, responded to my asking for him to be a guest host this month with a, “Let me see what my team can come up with.”

What you’re about to hear is the second half of my interview with him – as we continue to talk about what therapy is all about, and other issues that are common in mental health. His last question is one he asks every guest (of course, I’d listened to his other interviews but was still unprepared for this) – What are the three things that you’d want others to remember about you or what you’ve learned in life? That one was tough.

Vital Links: 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I first met Lewis Howes in 2019, the year Perfectly Hidden Depression was published, as I was  a guest on his incredible podcast The School of Greatness. I was flabbergasted to be asked – listen to their own description of the show!  "Lewis Howes is a New York Times best-selling author, 2x All-American athlete, keynote speaker, and entrepreneur. The School of Greatness shares inspiring interviews from the most successful people on the planet—world-renowned leaders in business, entertainment, sports, science, health, and literature—to inspire YOU to unlock your inner greatness and live your best life."

I’m certainly not one of the most successful people on the planet so how did I get on the show? One of his producers loved the book and asked me on. It was a tremendous experience. But the funny thing.. they were busy building a new studio for Lewis, so our interview took place in his kitchen, sunlight streaming into his breakfast room early in the morning. He didn’t feel well but I guess he knew I’d come all the way from Arkansas to be on – so he soldiered through. He was also kind enough to be on SW himself, talking about his early sexual abuse as a child and how that had impacted him for years. For all of his success, when I reached out to see if he could be a guest host this month (fully expecting “sorry I’m too busy”), he contacted another of his producers, Chris,  who took over. And he offered to provide my interview with Lewis from December of 2019. I was blown away! And then, there were Chris’ words.

"I first want to say that your interview on the show was actually one that deeply impacted me and how I view mental health so thank you for all the work you do in the world. I hope your upcoming surgery goes great!"

So on this episode of SelfWork, you’re going to listen in on the first half of my interview with Lewis Howes.

Vital Links! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

I first met Kimberley as a guest on her incredible podcast, Your Anxiety Toolkit, after the book Perfectly Hidden Depression came out. She's also been on SelfWork to discuss her own book The Self-Compassionate Workbook for OCD  and was an obvious pick to lead off these guest episodes. Why? Because she’s not only an expert at treating anxiety and I knew whatever she chose to talk about would be pragmatic and useful from the very moment you heard it – but she’s very caring, open, and organized.

When I listened to the episode you’re about to hear, I found myself much more calm at the end than when I’d begun listening!  You’ll learn fun facts, like having the strong urge to poop when you’re anxious is quite normal, as well as seven hard-earned but unbeatable steps to help you intervene with your response to anxiety. The point is not to stop anxiety. It’s to become aware of your own very unique response to it and choose what Kimberley calls “a values-based response to your anxiety” and to “ride its wave.” Not easy to do. But she’s also known for her oft-stated mantra, “Today is a beautiful day to do a hard thing.” Now that’s a fabulous mantra for anyone, but especially for those of us struggling with depression and/or anxiety.

You can find her through her book, her website where you can find treatment options for many types of anxiety, and her podcast Your Anxiety Toolkit! But she also is founder of the CBTschool.com, an online psycho-education platform that provides online courses for those with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors.

Vital Links: 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Today, I'll be answering three listener questions about how to make successful transitions with their moms or mothers-in-law. And I chose them because they're very much reflective of common problems you might have yourself.

Psychiatry blamed mothers years ago for everything from autism to schizophrenia and that was all plain wrong. Even Freud’s granddaughter, Sophie Freud, also a professor and psychiatric social worker, has said that her grandfather didn’t understand a woman’s sexuality at all.  So, we’re not throwing moms under the bus. I’m a mom and know I’ve not been a perfect one. But I have no desire to be thrown under any vehicle, bus or no bus - while dads have their own dynamic, which can often be destructive.

But these three listener questions did pertain to moms – so we’ll focus on potential problems that can arise as you become an adult yourself and make normal transitions.

Vital Links: 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

SelfWork post on enmeshment

Post on Borderline Moms

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Generally, when someone is called “a bundle of nerves,” they’re not describing a state of being that’s pleasant or desired. Those nerves could range from the fairly common experience of self-consciousness, where you have a heightened sense of yourself, to actual social anxiety, when the fear of being perceived negatively or being scrutinized by others can lead you to avoid interaction all together or have complete dread of a party or a meeting, going to church or to a family gathering. Of course, anxiety can have a very real source, such as if you fear scrutiny or even emotional abuse from a parent or a coach or a spouse.  But in social anxiety, the most innocuous situation can hold dread.

Today, we’re going to talk about what you can do about that dread – how you can allow for helpful self-consciousness or maybe a working term for that would be healthy self-awareness – but also cope with real fear of being in social settings altogether. Your social “muscle” – the ability to be with others comfortably and non-self-consciously – can grow stronger. But what the pandemic has taught even the most socially comfortable among us – that muscle can atrophy as well. And if was never strong in the first place? Then the task to exercise it can seem very daunting.

So, how can you learn how to stop telling yourself that you must look stupid, or out of step, or weird – and begin instead to become more comfortable in your own skin and work with your anxieties around being with others? That’s SW for today!

Here are the five steps toward building your social muscle and leaning into social anxiety!

1.  Shame will tell you you’re a bad or inferior person because your anxiety exists. Challenge that shame and  let go of that belief.
2. Transparency and self-acceptance can help lead you to work with your fears. Be open with others you trust about your anxiety.
3. Whatever makes you anxious offers a clear direction of what you can choose to learn.
4. Naming your anxiety shifts your perception as something that's happening to you, but isn't you. Don't think, "I'm anxious." Think instead, "I'm aware that anxiety is happening to me" or, if you've named your anxiety, "I can feel (name) arriving on the scene."
5. Practice this over and over until it becomes your new way of experiencing and working with anxiety. 

The listener voicemail is from a woman who sent me a message that ended abruptly with the words, “Women like you…”  I’ll share that with you – what I did in response – and what concerns me the most about her message to me. It may not be what you think by the way… a little healthy criticism is a good thing.

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

Tara Wells' article on self-awareness and self-consciousness

New York Times article on the pandemic and its impact on social anxiety

NPR's interview with the author of Good Anxiety, Wendy Suzuki

Recent research on narcissism in Psyche.com

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Psychology Today article on "Estrangement: The Silent Epidemic"

New York Times article on Fractured Families

Forbes article on parental alienation

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!